Pat Dixon - Depressed Clothes

  • Season 10 , Ep 17
  • 04/13/2006
  • Views: 5,923

Pat's clothes quit washing themselves after his wife left. (3:37)

THANK YOU, NEW YORK.

HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU?

WOW, YOU MAKE ME FEEL GREAT. I ALREADY FEEL GREAT.

I'VE BEEN FEELING GREATFOR A LITTLE WHILE.

AND YOU GUYS ARE OBVIOUSLY IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT.

- IS THAT CORRECT? YES.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I AM, TOO. I FEEL GREAT BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE.

RIGHT, WHICH IS EXCITING. YEAH. UH-HUH.

YEAH. FROM THE MOMENTI HAD LAID EYES ON HER,

I KNEW THAT SHE WAS SOMEONE I WAS LOOKING AT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE WAS KIND OF AWHOLE PACKAGE GIRL, TOO.

YOU KNOW? SHE'S GOT A SEXY BODY AND A SEXY VOICE.

AND HER HEAD IS SO HAIRYAND FULL OF BRAINS AND--

I JUST HOPE WE CLICK, LIKE SEXUALLY,

'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO BED YET.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT CHEMISTRY IS THERE OR NOT.

WHEN I WENT TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN, I LIKE IT TO FEEL

PASSIONATELY EMOTIONAL,YOU KNOW AND ALMOST

NON-CONSENSUAL, LIKE, YOU KNOW, I...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A ROMANTIC,IS WHAT I AM, ACTUALLY,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT SEPARATES US FROM THE ANIMALS

YOU KNOW WE CAN LOOKA WOMAN IN THE FACE WHENWE MAKE LOVE, RIGHT?

WE ARE THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT CAN MAKE LOVE WHILE FACING

- ITS VICTIM. - [LAUGHTER]

SO, A LOT OF MEN AND WOMEN HERE TONIGHT--

I BET SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE ON A DATE, RIGHT?

MAYBE SOMEBODY THAT YOU'VE MET AND YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.

OR MAYBE SOMEONE THAT YOU'RE MARRIED TO,

AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THE BEST PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP IS THE ENGAGEMENT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE,

I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU-- RIGHT--

- BUT NOT YET. YOU KNOW? - [LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED, YOU STILL HAVE EXCITEMENT.

YOU KNOW? YOU STILL HAVE HOPE.

HMM, YOU STILL HAVE A FIANCEE. IT'S EVEN A NICE WORD, FIANCEE.

IT MAKES YOU WANT TO CALL HOME. FIANCEE.

AFTER THAT YOU GOT A SPOUSE. THAT A DAMN SPOUSE.

MAKES YOU WANNA CALL AN EXTERMINATOR OR SOMETHING.

I GOT A SPOUSE IN THE HOUSE. I'D LIKE TO GET RID OF IT.

I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF SPOUSES AT THIS POINT. OR SPICE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PLURAL IS FOR IT.

[LAUGHTER]

BEEN THROUGHTWO MARRIAGES, TWO DIVORCES,ONE ATTEMPTED MURDER.

AND I'M TIRED OF TV MAKEOVER'S. 'CAUSE A TV MAKEOVER ALWAYS

TAKES AN AVERAGE WOMAN AND THEY MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.

AND I CAN'T TAKE AN AVERAGE WOMAN AND MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.

BUT I CAN TAKE A CRAZY WOMAN AND MAKE HER VIOLENT.

- [LAUGHTER] - AIN'T LOVE GRAND?

SO FIRST MARRIAGE OVER MY WIFE LEFT.

FIRST THING I NOTICEDAFTER SHE LEFT,

MY CLOTHES QUIT WASHINGAND THEY QUIT DRYING

AND HANGING THEMSELVES UP. I FIGURED THEY'RE DEPRESSED.

[LAUGHTER]

GET IN THE MACHINE, FELLAS. WE GOT SOMETHING TO DO.

I GOTTA WASH CLOTHES NOW? I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH DETERGENT

TO BUY EITHER. YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND THE DETERGENT AISLE

IS LIKE A HAPPY LAND. ALL THOSE BRIGHT COLORED BOXES.

HAPPY NAMES LIKE CHEER AND GAIN AND SNUGGLE.

YOU KNOW MY LIFE IS BEER; PAIN; STRUGGLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T OPERATE THE MACHINES.THERE'S TOO MANY KNOBS

AND SWITCHES AND LEVERS,DIALS, SETTINGS.

I JUST WANNA WASH MY CLOTHES.

I DON'T WANT TO SEND THEM BACK IN TIME OR ANYTHING.

- I JUST WANNA WASH... - [LAUGHTER]

IT'D BE COOL IF YOU COULD SEND THEM BACK TO THREE WEEKS AGO,

- BEFORE THEY WERE DIRTY. - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL, SEND 'EM BACK TO THREE YEARS AGO,

WHEN THEY WERE STYLISH.WHY SHOULD THEY SUFFER?

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