Chelsea Handler - Alcoholics Anonymous

  • Season 11 , Ep 13
  • 03/08/2007
  • Views: 38,459

I WANT TO KNOW WHO DECIDED COFFEE WAS A DATE.

WE CAN'T EVEN GET A MEAL AND [BLEEP] ANYMORE LADIES.

I MEAN, REALLY. WHAT IS A FRAPPUCCINOGONNA LEAD TO?

WHAT, A PIGGYBACK RIDE?

I LIKE TO GO OUT FOR A COCKTAIL, LIKE SEVEN IN A ROW, OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE, SPARE ME, JUST SPARE ME.

I WENT OUT WITH A GUYTHE OTHER NIGHT HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW CHELSEA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK TO MAKE YOURSELF

MORE FUN TO BE AROUND." [LAUGHS]

I'M LIKE, "LISTEN [BLEEP] NUT--

I'M DRINKING SO THAT YOU'RE MORE FUN TO BE AROUND."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SPICE IT UP BITCH. QUICKL OKAY?

THE PROBLEM WITH MEN IN L.A. IS EVERYBODY'S ALL THERAPIED-OUT.

YOU KNOW THEY HAVE ONE HARD NIGHT OF DRINKING

AND THEY WANT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL AND JOIN AA.

IT'S LIKE, GOD, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO AN AA MEETING?

NO WONDER THESE PEOPLE ARE ALCOHOLICS,

I'VE NEVER NEEDED A DRINK MORE BADLY IN MY LIFE.

I WENT ONE TIME. IT WASN'T VOLUNTARY. IT WAS PRETTY MUCH

COURT-ORDERED,BUT I THOUGHT--

I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE BACK TO THE AA COMMUNITY, YOU KNOW,

SEE ALL THOSESINGLE HOTTIE MEN THERE.

IT'S LIKE I COULD BE LIKE A SPONSOR.

YOU KNOW, HAVE 'EM CALL ME AT 2:00AM AND BE LIKE,

I WANT TO HAVE A DRINK. I'D BE LIKE

- "I HAVE ONE, COME OVER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME TO MOMMY WHERE IT'S SAFE AND WARM. LET'S GO."

- OH, GOOD TIMES. - [LAUGHTER]

THE GREAT THING ABOUT BEING AN ALCOHOLIC IS THAT

NOBODY DEPENDS ON YOU FOR [BLEEP], OKAY?

NOBODY EVER ASKED ME FOR A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HOOT,

BUT I'LL BE DRINKING THAT DAY, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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