Jim Norton - You Think I Don't Listen

Jim Norton: Please Be Offended Season 1, Ep 0101 04/20/2013 Views: 12,708

After Jim Norton's girlfriend goes on a complaining bender, he realizes that he has to end the relationship before the court system did it for him. (2:36)

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND WASAMAZING IN BED.

BUT DID YOU EVER END ARELATIONSHIP BECAUSE

IF YOU DON'T, THE POLICEAND COURT SYSTEM WILL?

IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THE--LIKE, I NEVER VIOLATE A WOMAN'S

SPACE WHEN WE'RE ARGUING,BUT SHE WAS

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WOULDGET, LIKE, THIS CLOSE AND SAY,

LIKE, "SO WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

BUT NOT NEARLY AS FEMININEAND SEXY AS I JUST SAID IT?

AND I KNEW I HAD TO END THERELATIONSHIP, 'CAUSE WE'RE

LAYING IN BED ONE NIGHT, AND SHEIS ON A THREE-HOUR [bleep]

COMPLAINING BENDER,AND I STARTED TO THINK, LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH TIME WOULDI GET IF I STABBED HER?"

BUT I DIDN'T JUST THINK IT.

I ACTUALLY WALKED MYSELFTHROUGH THE APPEALS PROCESS,

TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.

DO I HAVE A SUIT THATI COULD WEAR FOR COURT?

COULD I RECORD THIS AND PLAY ITFOR THE JUDGE?

"WOW, JIM.

SHE IS A [bleep].

CASE DISMISSED."

BUT THE SEX WAS SO GOOD,AND IT'S SO HARD TO REPLACE,

BECAUSE SHE WAS CRAZY.

SHE HAD THAT [bleep] THINGTHAT MAKES YOU GREAT IN BED,

WHICH ALSO MAKES YOU VERYDIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.

SHE WOULD SAY THESE THINGS--NOW, SHE HAS NO IDEA THAT I

WOULD DO THIS, BUT ON MY PHONE,I HAVE A LITTLE SECTION,

AND IT'S CALLED,"YOU THINK I DON'T LISTEN."

AND FOR TWO YEARS--JUST SO YOUKNOW I'M NOT LYING--I WOULD

WRITE DOWN THINGS THAT SHE SAID,AND I'M GOING TO READ YOU

A COUPLE OF THEM.

AND THESE ARE NOT THINGS SAID TOBE FUNNY OR TO BE CRAZY,

AND SHE HAD NO IDEA THAT I WASRUNNING INTO THE BATHROOM GOING,

"OH, YOU ARE [bleep]OUT OF YOUR MIND."

WE WERE TALKING ONE TIME,AND SHE GOES, "I'M NOT INTO

[bleep].

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] HOW BIGTHEIR DICKS ARE."

ANOTHER ONE:"DID YOU NOTICE THAT I BURPED

WHILE I WAS SUCKING YOUR DICK?

IT TASTED LIKE DIJON MUSTARD."

"FAT GUYS JERK OFFALL SLOW AND FAT."

"YOUR [bleep] ALWAYS GIVES MEHEARTBURN."

THIS ONE HURT:"IF I WAS CHEATING ON YOU,

YOU'D KNOW.

THE NEXT TIME YOU [bleep] ME,YOU WOULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING."