Matt Braunger - Average Auditioner

Tosh, Braunger, Burress, Benjamin, Mack, Lawrence, Devine Season 3, Ep 8 07/25/2008 Views: 31,114

At auditions, it's weird being told to your face exactly what you're being (2:31)

and you know, acting auditions,and it's kind of humbling,

'cause I'm not like an ugly guy.

Like I'm not the most rottenavocado at the green grocer,

you know, but like,

you know, I'm not likeJohnny Sweetface either.

Like I'm not super handsome,you know.

So I go in for this stuff, andit's like they... it's weird

getting told to your faceexactly what you're being

brought in for,like something crazy.

Like I went in just recentlyfor this audition.

And I didn't know whatI was going in for, right?

So I walk in and a reallyattractive girl

with a clipboardis sitting there,

and I'm like, "Hey, I don't knowwhat I'm here for.

Can you tell me whatI'm auditioning for?"

And she's like, "Yeah,what's your name?"

I'm, like, "Matt Braunger."And she's like,

"Oh, yeah, here you are, Matt.

Yeah, you're here for the roleof 'unattractive man.'"

Like to my face.

Like not to someone else--"Tell him he's here for that."

To me,

the hot girl said that.

"You're here forCaptain Uglyface," you know.

Like that...

Did you ever like, haveyour face make a noise

you didn't tell it to make?

Like you're that shocked.

Like just... "Dah!"(laughter)

Okay, yeah, no, that's cool.

I'll just sit downtry to play it off

while I cry tears of blood.

That's fine.

That film I went out for-- Harry Potter.

And, uh...(laughter)

What?My transitions are awesome.

Anyway, Harry Potter, uh...


That didn't relate at all.

You know, I like,I like Harry Potter.

I like the moviesand the books,

but I think they sendthe wrong message to our kids.

And that's that it's okayto own an owl for a pet.

No, okay?

No. Okay, look, if you don'tknow, I mean, I know.

I'm from Oregon, okay?

I'll tell you right now,

owls are made of claws,feathers and hatred, okay?


Owls don't give a crap, okay?

Owls hate us.

Owls are like NWA in 1991,if you remember them days, okay?

The gangsters of the woods.

You ever look at an owl?

The rage in its eyes,just sitting in a tree.

Like the only birdthat looks

that crazy and fullof psychotic rage.

It's up there...

(high-pitched voice):"Who... who...

"Who's next to die?It's you, mouse!"

♪ And I'm back hating everythingthat lives. Made of rage. ♪

That's the songin an owl's heart.

I know, I've seen it.(applause)

That's it, you know.

You hear that song, run.