Daniel Tosh - Adopted Granddaughter

  • Season 7 , Ep 23
  • 07/24/2003
  • Views: 67,318

Knowing he'll be a bad father, Daniel decides to be a grandfather. (1:31)

[SIGHS]

I ALMOST GOT BURNED THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

THAT IS?

FINE, I DON'T CARE.

THAT'S A GAME I USED TO PLAY

AS A CHILD, THE FLOOR IS LAVA.

IT'S WHEN YOU'D CLIMB ON ALL

THE FURNITURE IN YOUR HOUSE,

AND YOU COULDN'T TOUCH THE

FLOOR.

YEAH, YOU MIGHT HAVE CALLED IT

SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT,

BUT IT MEANT THE SAME THING.

YOU WERE POOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

'CAUSE I REMEMBER GOING,

"MOM, I WOULD LIKE A NINTENDO."

AND SHE'S LIKE "THE FLOOR'S

LAVA."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

IS WRONG WITH OUR HOUSE?"

"WHY CAN'T WE AFFORD CARPET?"

IT'S CALLED TWO JOBS, BITCH.

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HOW I USED TO TALK.

I WAS VERY STREET.

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE NOT.

I'M GONNA BE A HORRIBLE FATHER.

BUT I KNOW THIS.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

SO I THINK THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

TRUST ME, I HAVE A LOT OF

FRIENDS LIKE, "I'M GONNA MAKE

A GREAT DAD."

WOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE A COMPLETE

LOSER NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I'M NOT AGAINST

RESPONSIBILITY.

I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING INTO

LEGALLY ADOPTING A

GRANDDAUGHTER.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

'CAUSE BEING A GRANDPA IS COOL,

AND IT'S REALLY EASY.

IT'LL BE AWESOME.

I'LL ADOPT SOME CUTE LITTLE

14-YEAR OLD GIRL.

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, DAD,

THANKS FOR ADOPT-- "

I'M LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

I'M YOUR GRANDPA."

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH.

WELL, SEE 'YA AT CHRISTMAS."

[LAUGHTER]

COUPLE YEARS GO BY.

SHE'S IN COLLEGE.

COMES HOME WITH SOME OF HER

FRIENDS.

BE LIKE, "HEY, GIRLS.

WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE

AND SIT ON GRANDPA'S LAP."

THEN SHE'LL BE LIKE,

"OH, GRANDPA."

BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPORT GRANDPA

FOR BEING CREEPY.

[LAUGHTER]

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