RETURN JULY 2014
Now, I have a friend of minenamed Rick Gutierrez,
who's also a comic,who was on last season,
who lives in San Antonio, Texas,
which is about an houror so away from Eagle Pass.
He bought a new car and he drovefrom Eagle Pass-- or, I'm sorry,
from San Antonio to Eagle Pass
to meet upwith us for a show that night.
After the show was over,he says,
"Hey, man," he goes,
"You wantto leave a little bit early,
"and, uh, we'll take my carand you can drive it
and the guys can catch up withus tomorrow in the tour bus."
So, I'm like,"Cool, let's take off."
So, I tell Martin and Trevorand the rest of the guys,
"I'll see you guys tomorrownight, I'm leaving with Rick."
So, we get in Rick's carand I get to drive.
(imitates car doors closing,engine revving)
We head to San Antonio.
About 30 minutesinto the drive,
we start seeing flashing lightson the side of the freeway.
And then a big signthat comes up and it says,
"Immigration checkpoint ahead."
Don't worry, this storyends differently.
So, anyways, I still getnervous, you know.
I'm driving and I pullup to the line.
(imitating car's engine slowing,tires screeching)
And I'm sitting thereand I'm just waiting
for the officer to say something
that's gonna annoythe hell out of me.
So I'm just waiting.
And here comes the officerand when he saw me, he said,
And when I heard that,in my mind,
I was like,"I'm not going to jail."
So, he's like,"Dude, what are you doing here?"
I said, "Well, we have a showtomorrow night in San Antonio
"and we'rejust passing through."
"Where's your tour bus?"
I said,"Well, my tour bus is back
in Eagle Passwith the other guys."
He goes,"Can we take a picture?"
I go, "What about, you know,cars coming?"
He goes, "There hasn'tbeen a car here in hours."
So we get out of the car,we take some pictures
with the immigration officerand the dog, you know.
(imitates dog barking,then laughs)
We get back inside, he says,
"Thank you so muchfor taking the picture with me.
"I really appreciate it, man.
We're just bored right now."
I go,"Really? You guys are bored?"
"Yeah, we're bored."
I said, "Well,my tour bus is gonna be
passing through herein about two hours."
And I says, "We have a new guyon the bus
"who's from South Africaand he's, uh, he's been bragging
"about his immigration status
"and how he never has problemswith customs or immigration
"'cause all of his paperworkis always in order.
I'm just saying,you know, if you're bored."
Next morning, you guys,I get a text from Trevor, okay?
You see how cool and calmhe is-- that text sounded mad.
I just look at it and it said,"You're a dick."
I couldn't get to Trevor fastenough to hear the story, right?
So, Martin and I,we pull up to the theater
(laughing):and, uh, we see Trevor
and he already told me inthe car, "Dude, Trevor's mad."
I'm like, I see Trevor, I'mlike, "Trevor, are you okay?"
And he just went off.
(in Trevor's accent):"Gabriel, it was insanity,I tell you.
It was insanity."
"They pulled me off the tour buslike I was a common criminal.
"I wasn't wearing any pants.
"They took away my passport,my cell phone, all of my money.
"They stuck me in a jail cellwith other criminals.
Don't you haveanything to say?"
I said, "Dude, you saidyou wanted to be black."