- And I'll never remember the first he said to me,
"Can I clean your windshield for a dollar?"
- The roughest part of Ralphie's divorce was getting
the ring off his finger.
- Pick a size bud, either (bleep) lose weight
or give up, but make a choice.
- Trevor, the next time you get a DUI,
the tow truck's gonna come for you.
- Because a pussy is literally the only thing on
this planet you won't eat.
- Olivia, you've had somany old comics in you,
your pussy's called the Friar's Club.
- Sara, you know, peoplethink she's a slut,
she's actually a real prude.
She won't even put out new material.
- I love that you think you know what a pussy looks like.
- People are asking me tonight if I'm gonna
put Sara in her place.
She's a 38 year old woman in comedy,
there isn't one.
- Hey Trevor's favoritesoda is ginger ale,
not because he's a redhead,
but because he leaves every girl in Canada dry.
- People look at me andthink homeless person,
they look at you and think date rapist
who leaves every victim with an autographed head shot.
- Tony, you look like you could write
a great coffee table book on how to hide an erection
at a child's birthday party.
- Earl doesn't have kids either,
unless you count the ones on his hard drive at home.
- Jimmy, you look likeyou worked at Hogwarts,
which is what girls getwhen they (bleep) you.
- Earl's a Kennedy cousin and in honor of his family,
every time he climbs on stage, he dies a tragic death.