Uncensored - Greg Fitzsimmons - Life Is All Downhill Pt. 1

Greg Fitzsimmons: Life on Stage Season 1, Ep 0101 08/18/2013 Views: 8,489

Greg Fitzsimmons knows exactly why Starbucks has such a long line. (2:21)

DON'T END UP LIKE ME.

LOOK AT ME: MONOGAMOUS, INSHAPE, SOBER, NO DEBT.

I'M DEAD INSIDE.

[laughter]I DID IT ALL WRONG.

I BLEW IT.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITHME?

'CAUSE YOU REALIZE AT A CERTAINPOINT--HERE'S THE THING:

LIFE CARES ABOUT YOU A LITTLEBIT LESS EVERY SECOND YOU'RE

ALIVE, A LITTLE LESS, A LITTLELESS, A LITTLE LESS.

STARTS UP HERE.

IT'S ALL DOWNHILL.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE BURIED UNDERGROUND.

JUST DOWN, DOWN.

THE GREATEST MOMENT IN YOUR LIFEIS THE SECOND YOU'RE BORN.

THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE THE CENTER OF THEUNIVERSE.

PEOPLE STAND IN A CIRCLE AROUNDYOU.

THEY LOOK AT YOU.

THEY SWADDLE YOU, AND THEY PASSYOU AROUND.

EVERYBODY MAKES FACES.

"LET ME HOLD HIM."

"NO, I WANT TO HOLD HIM."

"GIVE HIM A TIT."

THEY GIVE YOU A TIT.

[laughter]HOW NICE IS THAT?

THEY JUST GIVE YOU A TIT,AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.

"TAKE A NAP."

THEY GIVE YOU A NAP.

"HAVE A NAP."

YOU GET UP. MORE PICTURES.

"DID HE SHIT?

HOW MUCH?

WHAT COLOR?

GIVE HIM A TIT.

HAVE A NAP."

IT'S A GREAT YEAR.

[cheers and applause]THE WHOLE YEAR IS GREAT.

YOUR FEET NEVER TOUCH THEGROUND.

YOU'RE IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANYRULES.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A RULE IS.

YOU'RE JUST NATURAL.

YOU'RE RAW.

YOU WANT SOMETHING?

YOU SCREAM.

YOU DON'T GET IT?

YOU CRY.

YOU GET IT. YOU SUCK ON IT.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A NAP?

"I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP RIGHTHERE, RIGHT NOW, NAP."

[laughter]YOU WAKE UP.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M GONNA TAKE ASHIT WITH MY CLOTHES ON.

JUST GONNA TAKE A SHIT, THENPROBABLY A NAP, SUCK A TIT, PASS

ME AROUND."

IT'S AWESOME.

THERE'S NO RULES.

[cheers and applause]AND THAT'S--THAT'S HOW WE WANT

TO LIVE.

WE WANT TO GET BACK TO THATSTATE, DON'T WE?

WE WANT TO GET BACK TO THAT,'CAUSE ALL YOU GET AS YOU GET

OLDER IS MORE RULES.

EVERY YEAR, MORE RULES, MORERULES, TILL YOU'RE STIFLED.

IT STARTS IN SCHOOL.

SHOW UP ON TIME.

RAISE YOUR HAND.

YOU WANT TO GET YOUR DRIVER'SLICENSE.

RIGHT ON RED, MERGE.

GET A JOB. SHOW UP ON TIME.

DON'T SAY "BITCH."

GET MARRIED.

DON'T FUCK ANYBODY ELSE.

LOTS OF RULES.

LESS CHOICE.

YOU GET OLD, AND THERE'S NOTHINGLEFT.

THAT'S WHY STARBUCKS HAS SUCH ALONG LINE, 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY

CHOICE YOU'VE GOT LEFT IN THEDAY.

"UH, I'LL HAVE 2% MILK.

OKAY.

[exhales]THAT FELT GOOD."

[laughter]