Anthony Jeselnik - Intelligence

  • Season 13 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 67,398

When dating, the first thing Anthony looks for is intelligence. (2:05)

THE FIRST THING I LOOK FORIS INTELLIGENCE,

BECAUSE IF SHEDOESN'T HAVE THAT,

THEN SHE'S MINE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY GIRLFRIEND WAS CLEANING UP

AROUND MY APARTMENTTHE OTHER DAY,

CAME ACROSS A PAIR OF EARRINGSTHAT WERE NOT HERS,

AND SHE JUST FLIPPED OUT.

THREW THE EARRINGSIN MY FACE, SAID,

"ANTHONY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?I DEMAND ANSWERS."

I SAID, "BABY, CALM DOWN.

"LET'S HANDLE THIS LIKE ADULTS.

"JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH,

AND FINISHCLEANING MY APARTMENT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE TO DRINK.I DO IT ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU GUYS --

MY GIRLFRIEND HAS NEVER ONCETOUCHED A DROP OF ALCOHOL

IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.

SEE, BOTH OF HER PARENTSHAD HUGE COCAINE PROBLEMS,

AND SHE WATCHED ITTEAR THE FAMILY APART,

SO NOW SHE JUST STICKS TO THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T LIVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE LIVES A FEW MILESAWAY FROM ME.

AND LAST NIGHT, SHE CALLED ME UPAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

SAID, "ANTHONY, GET OVER HERERIGHT AWAY.

I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TOBREAK IN TO MY BEDROOM WINDOW."

AND I DROPPED THE PHONE,

AND I WAS SO PUMPED UPWITH ADRENALINE,

IT WAS TOUGHTO GET BACK TO SLEEP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LAST WEEKEND, I WAS IN BOSTON,

STAYING WITHMY GIRLFRIEND'S FATHER.

BRUTAL.

HE WOULDN'T LET US SLEEPIN THE SAME BEDROOM TOGETHER.

HE SAID, "SORRY, BUDDY.I DON'T TRUST YOU."

I SAID, "TRUST ME, BUDDY,I'M [BLEEP] YOUR DAUGHTER."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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