Kurt Metzger - God Sees Everything

Kurt Metzger: White Precious Season 1, Ep 1 07/11/2014 Views: 8,416

Kurt Metzger explains how God takes advantage of being omnipresent. (2:20)

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You guys--how you feelabout gay marriage?

You guysfor gay marriage?

[cheers and applause]

Oh, good.Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not for that,but, uh, you know.

Whatever you guys are into.

Whatever you're into, man.

Yeah, I'm not for that.

I know--everybody's like,"Oh, what's the big deal?

"Who are they hurting?

"Two people love each other.

How does it hurt us,right?"

Well, I'll tell youhow it hurts us.

If you're not from here,from America,

you might not understand this,

but it takes God's protectionoff our nation.

Do you understand that?

I know--it's probablya big joke to you, but--

fancy city atheists.

We got a Constitutionthat he gave us,

and part of it--a big part of it--

is that you got to useyour holes the right way.

I'm sorry to tell you.

So I'm not gonna tell youwhat you want to hear.

God watches your holesall day,

like, literally,morning...

till night.

That's any--any religion.

That is 3/4 of your religion,is,

you got to use your holesthe right way.

'Cause the Creatorof the infinite universe

who made star--the universe is huge.

It's gigantic.

And God's, like,even bigger.

He made--he's bigger than that.

And then, like, the--like, the earth's not even--

it's, like, on the tip.

You know, like,right on the edge of his finger

like that,and then--

then he just watchesyour ass[bleep] through a--

like--he has, like,a jeweler loupe.

Like, "What?Let's see.

"Let's see what my creationis up to

"with those buttholes

"that I was nice enoughto give them.

"Probably just poopingout of them

"like they're supposed to.

Let me just take a--Oh! Oh!"

And it flies outof his eye.

His yarmulke falls off his head;he's so upset.

"That's not how I saidto do that!

"You just voidedthe warranty, pal.

"I hope you're happy.

"I'm not fixing thatfor you.

"That's not normalwear and tear,

"what you just did.

"That's not normal.

"I didn't thinkI had to write instructions

for your poop hole."