EMCEE: Ladies andgentlemen, Cristela Alonzo.
CRISTELA ALONZO: Everybody thatknows me, whenever they know
I'm going to beon TV, they always
ask, "What shoesare you wearing?"
I am a tomboy.
There's certain things I liketo do that are kind of girly,
I love sneakers, so I bringin a big variety of them.
Why wouldn't I?
So these are my finalchoices for tonight,
and I still haven't decidedwhich ones I'm doing,
so I'm playing around with them.
It's like, what do I want to do?
Do I want to say, hey,let's play B-ball?
Do I want say, hey,I'm a cool tomboy?
Hey, date me?
Do I want to say, hey,vintage, I like older guys?
Or you know, hey, let'sgo out on a safari.
I don't-- I don't know.
I don't know.
I wore these on "Conan" andI consider these good luck.
My name's Cristela.
You guys can call me Cris.
That's my nickname.
Nickname's are cool.
It's like yourfriends are saying,
"Hey, you have a crappy name.
Don't worry, we'llfix it for you."
I have done acollege show at 10:00
in the morning in a cafetoriumfor elementary school students
that were taking a tour ofthe campus at the same time
that war veterans weretaking a tour of the campus.
So they're like, well,if you have any jokes
about like, Disney, or the war?
It hurts, right? [laughs]
You ever notice thatwhen you hate someone,
everything they dojust pisses you off?
Look at that bitcheating chicken.
One of my best friends,Kathleen Madigan,
told me that in stand-up comedy,it's not about looking cool.
It's about coming off as real.
Why you eating chicken, bitch?
The more that peoplecan relate to you--
I like your hoody.
The more they're goingto care about you.
Everybody that triesto be cool, you
can see it on stage themoment they walk on.
If you're yourself, that'sgoing to carry longer
and it's going to have moreimportant than anything else
you can do.
Just be yourself.
It's not part of the joke, guys.
If I had a calendar,this would be February.
Thank you guys!
My name is Cristela.
Thank you so much!