Sandra Bernhard - Comedy Scene

Mark Schiff & Reid Harrison Season 1, Ep 0161 02/24/1992 Views: 3,578

Sandra used to be threatened by comics. (1:59)

I FEEL TERRIBLE--

THEY HAD TO GET RIDOF MY OWN PEOPLE TONIGHT.

THE ISRAELIS WOULDN'T LEAVETHE LEFT BANK.

FOR THOSE OF YOUWATCHING AT HOME

THERE WAS SOME CRAZYISRAELI CHICK HERE

WHO SAID SHE WASON THE KIBBUTZ WITH ME.

IF SHE HAD TRULYBEEN ON THE KIBBUTZ

SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWNMY COUSINS TZAFRA AND URI

WHO EVERYBODY KNOWS.

AND SHE WOULD HAVE SAID,"I KNOW TZAFRA AND URI"

AND I WOULD HAVE SAID,"OH, GREAT," YOU KNOW, SHALOM.

L'HITRAOT.

MA SHALOMKHA? MA SHALOMEAKH?

YOFI MEOD...

BUT THIS GIRL,SHE WASN'T FROM MY KIBBUTZ.

SHE WAS JUST SOME, LIKE, PSYCHOSLUT ISRAELI GROUPIE DYKE.

( cheering and applause )

I MEAN, I'M NOT EVEN SAFEWITH MY OWN PEOPLE ANYMORE.

WHAT COUNTRY AM I TO GO TOIN AN EMERGENCY?

( laughter )

OH, JESUS, WHAT A NIGHT,WHAT A NIGHT, WHOO!

I'M TELLING YOU,IT'S THE COMEDY BUSINESS.

I DIDN'T USED TO LIKE COMICS.

I WAS THREATENEDBY THE WHOLE SCENE.

I USED TO HANG OUTGLOWERING AT COMICS

AT THE BACK OF THE COMEDY STORE

AND NOW I WELCOME ITTO MY BOSOM.

THIS IS SYMBOLIC THIS EVENING

OF HOW I REALLY FEELABOUT COMEDY.

I WANT TO BRING THEM TO ME

AND THEN GIVE THEM BACK TO YOU

IN A NEW, REINTERPRETED WAY,AN OPEN WAY, A LOVING WAY

AS ONLY I CAN.

( applause )

NOW, IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...

HOW ARE YOU, HONEY?

Man:AWESOME.

YOU'VE HUNG IN,AND YOU'RE STILLFEELING GOOD.

AWESOME.

AND CUTE AS EVER--YOU'RE A CUTIE.

WHY AREN'T YOU ON BEVERLY HILLS 9023000?

AT LEAST YOU'RE NICE.

AND WHY AREN'T YOU SITTING THERE

IN YOURUNDERWEAR?

THOSE KIDSDON'T WEAR PANTS ANYMORE.

THEY JUST WALK AROUNDIN THEIR B.V.D.s

WITH THEIR LITTLE SCHLONGSHANGING OUT.