Kathleen Madigan - Hungry Gymnasts

  • Season 1 , Ep 11
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 5,292

Female gymnasts only fall because they're hungry. (1:54)

(Kathleen Madigan)I USED TO WANNAWATCH THE GYMNASTICS,

BUT I DON'T THINK ICAN WATCH ANYMORE.

THE WOMEN'S GYMNAST...IT'S LIKE CHILD ABUSE,

AND THE ANNOUNCERS SAY ITAND THEY DON'T EVEN SEEMTO THINK IT'S ODD ANYMORE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "AWW,THIS NEXT GYMNAST,

"SHE'S 18 YEARS OLD,

"SHE WEIGHS 34POUNDS, BOB...

"SHE'S VERY, VERYHEAVY THIS YEAR.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHYTHESE GIRLS KEEP FALLING?"

'CAUSE THEY'RE HUNGRY, BOB.

OKAY?

SHE DIDN'T FALL, SHELEAPT OFF THAT BEAM

'CAUSE SHE SAW A HOTDOG IN THE THIRD ROW...

THOUGHT SHE COULD GET A BITEBEFORE HER KIDNEYS FAILED.

AT LEAST IT'SREAL GYMNASTICS.

I'LL GIVE 'EM CREDIT.

THAT RHYTHMICGYMNASTICS...

NO, THAT IS NOT A...IT'S NOT A SPORT.

IT'S LIKE THEY HAD A BUNCHOF GYMNASTS THAT SUCKED,

AND THEY WENT,"COME HERE, GIRLS,

"UM, YOU'RE TOTALLYSUCKING OUT THERE.

"SO HERE'S WHAT WE DID.

"WE WENT DOWN TO THEDOLLAR STORE AND WEBOUGHT A BOX OF CRAP.

"THERE'S, LIKE, ABALL OVER THERE,

"AND SOME TOILETPAPER ON A STICK.

"HERE'S WHATYOU NEED TO DO.

"JUST PICK ONE OF THESEOBJECTS, TAKE IT OUTTHERE WITH YOU,

"AND WHEN YOU GET READYTO DO SOMETHING HARD,

"JUST THROW IT AS HIGHAS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

"THIS WILL DISTRACTTHE JUDGES

FROM YOUR CRAPPYLITTLE CARTWHEELS."

(Patrice)YOU KNOW WHAT FREAKS MEOUT ABOUT WOMEN GYMNASTS

FROM THESE EASTERNEUROPEAN COUNTRIES?

THEY'RE ON SO MANY STEROIDSTHAT IF YOU LOOK CLOSE,

YOU CAN BARELYSEE THEIR PENISES.

(Nick)UH, THANK GOD,A REAL ZOO.

WHAT DO YOU WANTTO SEE FIRST?

THE, UH, GIRAFFESOR THE ELEPHANTS?

(Patrice)ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES NAKEDBREASTS AND WHIPPED CREAM.

(Nick)(bleep)!

A TURKISH PRISONHAS LESS RULES.

HOW THE HELL AMI SUPPOSED TO GO

THREE HOURS WITHOUTA CIGARETTE?

"NO TAUNTINGTHE ANIMALS"?

WHY ELSE WOULDYOU GO TO A ZOO?

TAUNTING IS THEONLY WAY TO PROVE

THAT WE'RE THESUPERIOR BEINGS!

(Nick)THEY OUTLAW RADIOPLAYING, BUT NOTHING ON

THE DAMN SIGN ABOUT PERVERTSEXPOSING THEIR PRIVATES?

HEY, DUDE!

YOU KNOW THE RULE.

YOU HAVE TO THROW IT BACKIF IT'S LESS THAN TWO

AND A HALF INCHES,THERE, TEENY WEENIE.

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