Cristela Alonzo - Getting Directions

Cristela Alonzo, Larry Omaha & Maz Jobrani Season 1, Ep 6 11/10/2011 Views: 15,695

Cristela Alonzo's mother was a mean Catholic woman who hated everyone in the neighborhood. (1:01)

(audience murmurs)


You guys got all scared.


Kidding, guys. I'm kidding.

I don't knowanything about Jesus.

I'm Catholic. It's...

Let's face it,being Catholic is like

having a gym membership,you know?

It's like, "Yeah, we belong,but we never go."

It's, uh, it's all right.

I got lost on the way here.

And I hate asking people fordirections, 'cause everybody's

got their own wayof giving directions, you know?

The worst way of gettingdirections was asking my mom,

'cause my momwas this mean Catholic woman

who hated everyonein the neighborhood.

So she would actuallygive you directions

by telling you who she hatedalong the way.

"Oh, you're going to go downto Jose's house.

"You know Jose.

"The marijuano.

"He got a dewey-- a DUI.

"His mom says,'Ah, he's an angel.'

"Ha. Uses angel dust-- (bleep).