Dan Naturman - High-Maintenance Girls

  • Season 9 , Ep 11
  • 04/14/2005
  • Views: 9,110

High-maintenance girls are worth it -- if you've got it. (2:33)

ADDING UP.

PLUS DATING IS EXPENSIVE,

ESPECIALLY IN THIS TOWN.

YOU NEW YORK CHICKS, YOU KNOW

YOU'RE HIGH MAINTENANCE,

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T DENY IT,

DON'T DENY IT NEW YORK CHICKS,

I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE NOT

WORTH IT BY THE WAY,

I DIDN'T SAY YOU'RE NOT

WORTH IT.

I'M SAYING I AIN'T GOT IT,

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

WELL, YOU TAKE A NEW YORK CHICK

OUT TO DINNER FIRST OF ALL

YOU KNOW SHE IS GOING TO ORDER

THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING ON THE

MENU.

THAT HAPPENED TO ME JUST

LAST WEEK, THE GIRL ORDERS

A BIG MAC, RIGHT, WHICH IS A...

[LAUGHTER]

A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS ON THE

FIRST DATE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ANYWAYS...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN YOUR 30s

WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING FORWARD

TO BIRTHDAYS.

THEY DON'T GET ME EXCITED

ANYMORE AND PLUS THE FACT THAT I

NEVER GET ANYTHING GOOD ANYWAY.

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GIVING ME

GIFT CERTIFICATES.

ON MY LAST BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND

GIVES ME A $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE

TO TOWER RECORDS.

YOU KNOW THE BIG RECORD STORE

CHAIN.

SO IT WAS NICE THAT

HE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY

BUT QUITE HONESTLY I NEVER

UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT OF THE

GIFT CERTIFICATE.

'CAUSE I'M THINKING, FOR THE

SAME 50 BUCKS HE COULD'VE JUST

GOTTEN ME 50 BUCKS, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

AND MAYBE SLIPPED A NOTE IN

THERE SAYING "IF YOU'RE IN THE

AREA CHECK OUT TOWER RECORDS".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT DON'T CONFINE ME TO THE

RECORD STORE.

GIVE ME THE OPTION OF SPENDING

IT ON PORNOGRAPHY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL PROBABLY GO TO THE

RECORD STORE ANYWAY PICK-UP SOME

CYNDI LAUPER CD'S BUT LET ME

MAKE THE DECISION.

'CAUSE HE HANDS ME THE ENVELOPE

WITH THE GIFT CERTIFICATE IN IT,

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS CASH

AND I JOKINGLY SAID "I'LL TRY

NOT TO SPEND IT ALL IN ONE

PLACE."

WHICH TURNS OUT I GOT NO CHOICE.

IT'S THE RECORD STORE OR

NOTHING.

I COULD USE A NEW WATCH.

YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE A WATCH.

I LOST MY WATCH.

SO, IF YOU REMEMBER THIS YEAR,

YOU WANT TO GET ME A WATCH

BUT SOMETHING NICE LIKE A ROLEX

WOULD BE NICE.

THAT'D RUN YOU A LOT,

THAT'S LIKE TEN GRAND BUT

YOU KNOW IT'S A NICE WATCH.

NOW YOU CAN GET IT FOR $30

ON THE STREET BUT THEY'RE NOT

REAL SO BE CAREFUL.

'CAUSE MY FRIEND BOUGHT ONE,

HE'S LIKE "DAN, CAN YOU TELL

THIS ROLEX IS FAKE?"

I'M LIKE "OF COURSE YOU CAN TELL

IT'S FAKE."

HE'S LIKE "HOW CAN YOU TELL,

IS IT THE BAND?"

I'M LIKE "NO, IT'S THE PERSON

WEARING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT AC/DC

T-SHIRT YOU GOT ON...

[LAUGHTER]

WITH ALL THE MUSTARD AND

KETCHUP STAINS THAT MAKES

ONE WONDER WHETHER THE WATCH IS

REAL."

BUT IF YOU CAN AFFORD A ROLEX

FELLAS, I SAY GET ONE,

IT'S WORTH IT, 'CAUSE A LOT OF

WOMEN, THEY'LL LOOK AT A ROLEX

WATCH AND KNOW YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL

AND THAT'S SEXY TO A LOT OF

WOMEN, RIGHT, A ROLEX WATCH

IS VERY SEXY.

NOW A CALCULATOR WATCH,

NOT VERY SEXY.

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL MAKE

THOSE OR NOT BUT NOTHING SAID

FRIDAY NIGHT AT HOME ALONE LIKE

A CALCULATOR WATCH.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE "HOW LONG SINCE I HAVE

GOTTEN LAID, LET ME CALCULATE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE HERE."

WOW, THAT WAS A LONG TIME.

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