Tom Cotter - Cops

Cotter, Royce, Ridley Season 2, Ep 0216 05/23/1993 Views: 3,440

Cops on horseback in New York seem useless. (2:18)

I was on Oprah Winfrey once, butthe cops pulled me off of her.

And now she's pressing charges.

Kind of a faux pasis what that was.

This is my night job.

Everybody tells meto keep my day job.

I hate my day job.

I'm a bouncer at McDonald's.

Hey, hey, hey, McButthead.

They're too oldfor a happy meal.

Let's see some ID, fella.

Tell the grimace we'vegot trouble out front.

People are putting meback in a good mood.

I just had to have myChia pet put to sleep.

That kind of bummedme out a little bit.

I just spent all that moneyhaving him neutered too,

you know.

So uh, well, I caught himhumping my Wandering Jew.

And I couldn't have that.

So.

I'm going bald now.

This is no joy in my life.

I've actually become oneof these losers that combs

the hair from theback of my skull

up over the front of my head.

Yeah, that'll fool someone, Tom.

10 years from now, I'llbe combing my butt hair up

over my back and around my head.

Gee, Tom, is that dandruff.

No, it's white cloud.

Go to hell.

OK.

I'm a butthead.

Folks, you'reclapping at butt hair.

You need counseling.

OK?

Man.

My uncle's a cop.

He just died the line of duty.

He gagged on a doughnut.

That bummed me out.

And, uh-- You know whatwe have in New York?

This freaks me out.

You have cops on horseback.

This-- this kills me.

It's the '90s.

Your average drugdealer is driving

a Porsche 911 Turbo Carrera.

Mr. Ed is not aneffective crime deterrent.

(ACCENT) Pull over.

It's me, Dudley Do-Right.

Apparently you all got aproblem with Amish street gangs

here in the Big Apple.

All those drive-bypitch forkings

we've read so much about.

Last weekend I went to go seemy little niece's tap dance

recital.

I got thrown out.

All right, so maybe Ishouldn't have stuffed

those dollar billsin her leotard.

But she was good!

Very talented, my niece.