Uncensored - Aziz Ansari - Dumb Advice

05/20/12 Views: 132,566

Aziz Ansari is encouraged to be honest with women in order to get dates. (2:03)

I WAS HAVING LUNCHWITH A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE,

AND I TOLD HIM, "HEY,THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL

THAT WORKS IN THIS RESTAURANT.

SHE'S SO CUTE, BUT I DON'TKNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER."

AND HE GOES, "OH, MAN,ALL YOU GOTTA DO

IS GO OVER THERE AND BE HONESTWITH HER FOR A MINUTE."

REALLY?

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA DO?

SO I JUST NEED TO WALK OVER--"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

I JUST NEED TO BE REAL HONESTWITH YOU FOR A MINUTE.

I EAT HERE ALL THE TIME,AND WHEN I DO,

I STARE AT YOUR FACE.

AND I IMAGINE US FUCKINGWHILE I EAT MY SANDWICHES.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKETO TURN MY FANTASY

INTO YOUR REALITY."

I'M NOT SURE THAT WOULDWORK OUT TOO WELL.

PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE YOUTHE SAME DUMB ADVICE

IN SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.

THEY'LL SAY THINGS LIKE,"OH, JUST LEAVE HER A BIG TIP."

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

I JUST WALK OVER--"YES, CAN I GET A

MUFFIN, PLEASE?

HERE'S $100.

I THINK YOU KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS.

I'M WILLING TO HAVE SEXWITH YOU FOR THE PRICE

OF $98."

I WAS DOING THAT JOKE ONE NIGHT,AND THIS GUY IN THE

AUDIENCE JUST YELLS,"JUST TELL HER YOU'RE ON TV!"

YEAH.

THERE'S NO WAY I'LLSOUND LIKE A JERK

IF I DO THAT, RIGHT?

"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

I'M ON TV."

[clears throat]I SAID...

I'M ON TV.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOINGON HERE, BUT THIS IS THE PART

WHERE YOU STARTSUCKING MY DICK."

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT SOME DUDESTHINK BEING ON TV'S LIKE.

I JUST WALK INTO BARS...

"WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

JUST SO YOU KNOW,SOMEONE THAT'S APPEARED

ON TELEVISION IS HERE.

SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTEDIN GIVING ME A HAND JOB

IN THE RESTROOM,LET'S LINE UP TO THE LEFT."

NO.

THAT'S NOT HOWIT WORKS AT ALL.

HOW IT WORKS IS,I WALK INTO A BAR,

AND FIVE DUDES ARE LIKE,"OH, MAN, IT'S THAT BROWN GUY

I SAW ON THAT THING!"[whining groan]

OH, MAN, OH, MAN, BRO,I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE!

YOU GOTTA TAKE A PHOTOWITH ME AND MY PUPPY.

MY PUPPY'S BACK ATMY HOUSE, THOUGH.

WE GOTTA DRIVE THERE.

NOW."

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