All right, beforewe go away to celebrate
this country's independence,let's do a quick check-in
with the effortto liberate the White House
from its current stateof negrofication.
Time for The Unblackening.
(humming a tune)
All right, as we move closerto this year's
presidential election, the pollsare actually starting to matter.
And yesterday the nation's toppolling guru dropped a big one.
Nate is the ultimatepolitical numbers cruncher.
He called 49out of 50 states in 2008,
ran the table in 2012.
So, right now, we have Hillaryas about a 75
or an 80% favorite.
-Oh, my God.-(cheering, applause)
or 80% favorite?
Those are ridiculous odds.
And let me tell you something,let me tell you something,
Nate Silver hasan incredible track record
of being right on the nosewith his predictions.
There is no way, guys,Trump can be president.
I'm saying it right now.I'm saying it right...
All right, all right, all right,all ri... Hold on, hold on.
No, no, no, pause.I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what-- give meone reason why I'm wrong.
Now, everyone's gonna be alittle bit skeptical this year
-because so few of ussaw Trump coming. -Right.
Back in August you saidhe had about a, what,
two percent chanceof getting the nomination?
He got it.
Oh, my God.
How could this nerdhave been so wrong?
Let me seeif I can explain this.
Um, it's kind of like NateSilver's playing chess, okay?
But he's playing chesswith a chimp.
And Silver makes hisbrilliant opening move
and the chimpthrows his feces at him.
This happens over and over againuntil he realizes
not only is he in check,
but he's completelycovered in feces.
Get ready for the Trumppresidency, you guys.
And if Trump's response
to the recent Istanbul airportattack is any indication,
the chu... the chimp (bleep)is already airborne.
We're living in medieval times.
We have to fightso viciously and violently.
You have to fight firewith fire.
Um, just so you know,
uh, in medieval times,
they knew that you fight firewith water.
Or sand or mud.
Anything except fireis what you fight fire with.
But Trump has nothingagainst water,
as long as he can make itas painful as fire.
So we can't do waterboarding,
but they can dochopping off heads.
I wish he would dotalking no more.
Doesn't he understandthat this is illegal?
I can't believe that he'sstanding up for waterboarding.
So we can't do waterboarding,which is...
it's not the nicest thing,
but it's peanuts comparedto many alternatives, right?
Waterboarding and peanuts don'tbelong in the same conversation
unless you're talking about
A Charlie Brown Guantanamo Christmas.
Then it... then it makes sense.
Then it makes sense.
All right,here to explain himself,
please welcome Donald Trump,everybody.
Look, it's great for youto see me again, okay?
All right, look, now, I can'tbelieve I have to tell you this,
but torture is illegal.
I mean, there was a huge debateabout it, like, ten years ago.
We all kind of decided
we weren'tgoing to torture anymore.
Look, torture is how I win,okay, Larold?
I tortured all the othercandidates in the GOP.
I mean, I picked off those bozos
like they were fingernailsoff some vendor
who owed me moneyat Mar-a-Lago, okay?
That's eerily specific.
Look, that's nothing...that is nothing
compared to what I didto the biggest loser,
Chris Christie. I mean,this guy, I tortured this guy.
I mean, I made fun of him,I kept him in my basement,
uh, for weeks...
until he broke,and now he's mine,
and it's unbelievably fantastic.
You kept him in your basement?
That is so twisted.
Look, look, torture works, okay?For Trump.
Look at little Marco.I mean, I tortured
that confusedlittle taquito so bad--
that he couldn't evenwin Florida, okay?
That's a horrible thing to say.
Excuse me, excuse me.What do you mean?
I love taquitos, okay?You put hot sauce on it...
-That doesn't matter,that doesn't... -It's good.
-Everybody loves it, okay?-All right.
Look, all I'm sayingis torture works.
I mean, everythingabout it works.
I mean, I tortured Megyn Kellyfor months. I mean,
I said blood was coming outof her shame chamber, okay?
All right, you're right.
You know, actually, it's disgusting. It's...
actually grossing myself outa little bit, okay?
-Look, people love to betortured by Trump, okay? -Okay.
And if I'm gonna behonest and humble,
I am truly the bestto be tortured by, okay?
Who brags about that?
Look, I torture the press.
-I mean, I come on your show.-Yeah...
I say whatever I want,
-and you keep calling me,obviously, right? -Well...
-You love me.Admit it, Larry, okay? -No.
-You love being torturedby me... -I do not.
'cause you've got jungle fever.
How do all of these thingsyou talk about
make America great again?
It's not right.
Look, it's as the blackslike to say, okay?
All right?If we're keeping it 100,
America's at its best when weforget about what's right
and focus on what's great, okay?
That's what the blackslike to say, right?
-The blacks.-You don't even...
You don't even knowwhat you just said.
Look, look,if I'm gonna be honest,
America likes what's sexy, too.
I mean, we love sexy. I mean,like my daughter Ivanka.
I mean, uh, talk abouta great, sexy package.
All right, I don't want to hearabout your sick fantasy anymore.
Donald Trump, everybody.We'll be right back.
-♪ -(cheering, applause)-No, you're too sick.
You're a sick human being.