Amy Schumer - Facebook Is Weird

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 60,427

People on Facebook should stop poking Amy Schumer and inviting her to their weird vampire parties. (2:46)

WHO'S ON FACEBOOK?

I AM.SOME OF YOU? YEAH?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?IT'S WEIRD.

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE THINGBEFORE MySpace, BEFORE FACEBOOK?

DESTINY?

REMEMBER DESTINY,WHERE WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED

TO RUN INTO SOMEONE FROM THEPAST, THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED?

NOW EVERY IDIOT FROMHIGH SCHOOL'S LIKE, "I'M BACK!"

"WE WEREN'T SUPPOSEDTO MEET AGAIN.

"STOP POKING ME

"AND INVITING ME TO YOUR WEIRDVAMPIRE PARTIES, OKAY?

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW YOUON 'TWATTER.'

"LIKE,NOBODY'S INTERESTED IN YOU.

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUIN REAL LIFE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLLOW YOUIN THE IMAGINARY ONE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, GOSH, FACEBOOK IS WEIRD.

ANYBODY CAN GET IN TOUCHWITH YOU.

TOTAL STRANGERS WRITE TO ME.

A STRANGER WROTE TO MELAST WEEK.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, AMY,I JUST PLEASURED MYSELF

LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF YOUON FACEBOOK."

Guy: WHOO!THERE HE IS.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HE'S NOT BAD.HE'S NOT BAD.

GOOD JOB.

COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

NO, BUT, YOU KNOW,JUST LIKE ONE PICTURE.

I JUST THINK THAT'S GROSS,YOU KNOW?

BUT I WAS JUST LIKE,"WELL, WHICH ONE?

"I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE ITMY PROFILE PICTURE.

WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH.

IT'S WEIRD OUT THERE.IT'S HARD DATING.

AND I REALLY DID JUST HAVEMY HEART BROKEN.

AND WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS DOWHEN YOU HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN?

THEY TAKE YOU OUTAND GET YOU DRUNK, RIGHT?

AND ISN'T THAT THE WORST IDEAIN THE WORLD?

YOU GET DRUNK AND LONELY

AND, LIKE, MAKE OUT WITH A P.A.THAT GOES TANNING FROM BABYLON.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY?

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED HOME,WATCHED 'LAW & ORDER,'

THE ONE WITH THE SEXUALLY BASEDOFFENSES LIKE WE ALL LIKE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MAN.

BUT THE GUY I WAS SEEING,HE WAS -- HE WAS VERY COOL.

CATHOLIC GUY, SO HE WOULD FEELREALLY GUILTY RIGHT AFTER SEX.

SO I WOULD PRETEND LIKEI FELT GUILTY, TOO, YOU KNOW?

I'D BE LIKE,"OH, I FEEL REALLY BAD.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO HOME.BYE."

'CAUSE I SWEAR, I FOUNDTHE ONE GUY IN MANHATTAN

THAT LOVES, LIKE, SPOONING,YOU KNOW?

JUST HUGGING ALL NIGHT.

AND I LIKE SLEEPING BY MYSELF,LIKE A SWASTIKA.

I'M JUST LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S ALL UP ON THIS.

I CAN DO URBAN SHOWS, TOO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HE'S GOOD.

VERY, UM...VERY NEAT FOR A BOY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HE ALWAYS CLEANED UPHIS MESS

NO MATTER WHERE HE GOT IT ON ME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HE'S HISPANIC, SO HE'S LIKE,"NOW WHO'S THE WETBACK?"

I'M LIKE, "HEY!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"STILL YOU!

"GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

THOSE DISHES AREN'T GONNA DOTHEMSELVES."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AMAZING!THANK YOU SO MUCH!

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