Julian McCullough - Purse Situation

  • Season 14 , Ep 7
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 13,862

Girls have everything in their purse you could ever need, all day, no matter what your problem is. (3:08)

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE,

I SWEAR.

IT WAS A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

I ACTUALLY LIVED WITH HER.

AND LIVING WITH SOMEBODY --IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BREAK UP.

IT TAKES FOREVER.

I WAS DIGGING A HOLE THROUGHMY BEDROOM WALL WITH A SPOON

UNDER A POSTERFOR LIKE SIX WEEKS.

THERE WAS ANOTHER GUYIN THE TUNNEL FROM MY BUILDING.

I WAS LIKE, "YOU TOO?"

HE WAS LIKE, "LET'S GETTHE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T MIND -- WOMAN ALWAYSWANT YOU TO GO CHECK THINGS OUT

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHTIF THEY HEAR A NOISE.

WHICH I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH IF IT'S A REAL THREAT,

'CAUSE I'M A REAL MAN.

BUT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

SHE WOKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLEOF THE NIGHT ONE TIME.

SHE GOES, "Wake up!I think we have a ghost!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL JUST STRAP THE VACUUMTO MY BACK AND GO CHECK IT OUT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

MY EX HAD ONE OF THOSEENORMOUS DESIGNER HANDBAGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON

WITH THE PURSE SITUATIONIN NEW YORK CITY,

BUT THEY'RE GETTING BIGGERAND BIGGER EVERY YEAR.

IT'S LIKE THE NEW ONESARE EATING THE OLD ONES

FROM LAST YEAR.

THE ONLY GOOD THING

IS THAT GIRLS HAVE EVERYTHINGIN THEIR PURSE

YOU COULD EVER NEED ALL DAY,

NO MATTER WHATYOUR PROBLEM IS EVER.

YOU'RE LIKE,"I HAVE A HEADACHE."

THEY'RE LIKE,"HERE'S A TYLENOL."

YOU'RE LIKE,"I HAVE THE SNIFFLES."

THEY'RE LIKE, "HERE'S A TISSUE."

YOU'RE LIKE,"I HAVE TO GO TO ILLINOIS."

THEY'RE LIKE,"HERE'S A BUS SCHEDULE."

YOU'RE LIKE, "JESUS."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"IT'S TO ILLINOIS."

SO, MY EX-GIRLFRIENDHAD A BAG LIKE THAT,

BUT IT WAS ALSO GROSS INSIDEBECAUSE SHE WAS A SLOB.

AND I KNOW THISBECAUSE ONE DAY I GO,

"I HAVE A HEADACHE.DO YOU HAVE ANY PILLS?"

SHE GOES, "YEAH.REACH IN MY BAG."

I REACH IN.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE A KID

AND YOU GO TO A HAUNTED HOUSE INYOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FOR HALLOWEEN

AND THEY BLINDFOLD YOU

AND MAKE YOU PUT YOUR HANDIN A BUCKETFUL OF NOODLES

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"IS IT BRAINS?!"

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"I WANT TO GO HOME"?

THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKEWHEN I PUT MY HAND IN HER BAG.

BUT IT TURNS OUTIT WAS MELTED LIP GLOSS

WITH LOOSE CHANGE AND HAIR.

[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]

I KNOW.

SHE HAD PILLS,BUT THEY WEREN'T IN A CONTAINER.

JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM,DIFFERENT-COLORED PILLS

FLOATING AROUNDTHE BOTTOM OF HER BAG.

SO I TOOK SEVEN

AND HOPED ONE OF THEMWOULD CURE A HEADACHE.

AND DON'T DO THAT.

IF YOU'RE A GUY, DON'T TAKEPILLS OUT OF A GIRL'S BAG

IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO TO YOU.

'CAUSE A WEEK LATER, GUESS WHOHAD FEELINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NIPPLES GOT TENDER.

I STARTED SPOTTING.THAT WAS GROSS.

AND I GOT ADDICTEDTO "THE HILLS."

I'M LIKE, "THIS SHOW SUCKS,BUT I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO...I WROTE A PICKUP LINE,EVERYBODY.

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