Lewis Black - The State of Arkansas

  • Season 3 , Ep 1
  • 05/08/2000
  • Views: 6,939

America should punish the state that gave us Bill Clinton. (4:48)

REALLY WANTED BILL CLINTONPUNISHED ON SOME LEVEL,

AND I THINKTHAT SINCE WE WEREN'T--

AND DIDN'T GET TO PUNISH HIM,

THAT WE SHOULD PUNISH THE STATETHAT GAVE US HIM.

I BELIEVETHAT THE STATE OF ARKANSAS

SHOULD HAVE NO ONE ELECTEDPRESIDENT FOR 100 YEARS.

IF BILL CLINTON IS NOTSUFFICIENT PROOF OF THIS,

I HAVE THIS.

THIS IS AN ARTICLE FROMTHE ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE.

I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND OUTTHAT ARKANSAS HAD A NEWSPAPER.

SINCE THEY DIDN'T KNOWTHAT ORAL SEX WAS ADULTERY,

I THOUGHT MAYBE THEY WEREGETTING THEIR NEWS

WHILE SITTINGAROUND THE CRACKER BARREL.

"TWO LOCAL MEN WERE SERIOUSLYINJURED WHEN THEIR PICKUP TRUCK

LEFT THE ROAD AND HIT A TREENEAR COTTON PLANT."

THAT'S THE NAME OF A TOWNIN ARKANSAS: COTTON PLANT.

"THURSTON POOLE, 33,OF DES ARC,

AND BILLY RAY WALLIS, 38,OF"--WELL, IMAGINE THAT.

A BILLY RAY WAS INVOLVED.

[laughter]

"THEY'RE LISTED

"IN SERIOUS CONDITIONAT THE BAPTIST MEDICAL CENTER.

"THE ACCIDENT OCCURREDAS THE TWO MEN WERE RETURNING

TO DES ARCAFTER A FROG GIGGING TRIP."

FROG GIGGING,OR FROG STICKING,

IS HOW,ARMED WITH A SMALL PITCHFORK,

YOU CATCH FROGSFROM THE BAYOU BANK.

FROG LEGS MAKE A TASTY SUPPER.

"ON AN OVERCAST SUNDAY NIGHT,

"POOLE'S PICKUP TRUCK'SHEADLIGHTS MALFUNCTIONED.

"THE TWO MEN CONCLUDEDTHAT THE HEADLIGHT FUSE

"ON THE OLDER-MODEL TRUCKHAD BURNT OUT,

"AND AS A REPLACEMENT FUSEWAS NOT AVAILABLE,

WALLIS NOTICED THE .22-CALIBERBULLET FROM HIS PISTOL"--

WHICH I GUESSHE WAS CARRYING

'CAUSE, IN CASEYOU CAN'T STICK THE FROG,

YOU LIKE TO BLOW HIS HEAD OFF--

"HE NOTICED THAT IT FITPERFECTLY INTO THE FUSE BOX,

NEXT TO THE STEERING WHEELCOLUMN."

APPARENTLY, SOME OF YOU CANSENSE WHAT'S GOING TO UNFOLD.

"UPON INSERTING THE BULLET,

"THE HEADLIGHTSAGAIN BEGAN TO OPERATE,

"AND THE TWO MENPROCEEDED EASTWARD

"TOWARD THE WHITE RIVER BRIDGE.

"AFTER 20 MILES, AND JUST BEFORECROSSING THE RIVER,

"THE BULLETAPPARENTLY OVERHEATED...

[laughter and applause]

"...DISCHARGED, AND STRUCK POOLEIN THE RIGHT TESTICLE.

[audience groaning and laughing]

"THE VEHICLE SWERVEDSHARPLY TO THE RIGHT,"

AS WOULD BE EXPECTED,

"EXITING THE PAVEMENTAND STRIKING A TREE.

"POOLE SUFFERED ONLY MINOR CUTSAND ABRASIONS FROM THE ACCIDENT

"BUT WILL REQUIRE SURGERYTO REPAIR THE OTHER WOUND.

"WALLIS SUSTAINEDA BROKEN CLAVICLE,

"WAS TREATED AND RELEASED.

"THANK GOD WE WEREN'T ON THE BRIDGE

"WHEN THURSTON SHOT HIS NUTS OFF,

"OR WE MIGHT HAVE BEEN DEAD,

[applause]

"SAID WALLIS.

"I'VE BEEN A TROOPER FOR TEN YEARS

"IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD,

"SAID DEPUTY SNYDER, BUT THIS IS A FIRST FOR ME.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE TWO BOYS

"WOULD ADMIT HOW THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED.

"UPON BEING NOTIFIEDOF THE WRECK,

"LAVINIA, POOLE'S WIFE,

"ASKED HOW MANY FROGSTHE BOYS HAD CAUGHT

AND DID ANYONE THINKTO GET 'EM FROM THE TRUCK?"

[laughter]

IN MY LIFETIME,

I WENT FROM AN EISENHOWERTO A GEORGE W. BUSH;

I WENT FROM A JOHN KENNEDYTO AN ALBERT GORE.

NOW, IF THAT IS EVOLUTION,THEN I BELIEVE,

IN ABOUT 12 YEARS, WE'REGOING TO BE VOTING FOR PLANTS.

I HAVE ONE I'M GONNA RUN:

PRESIDENT PHIL O'DENDRON,THE IRISH PLANT.

HE DOESN'T NEED MUCH LIGHT;HE DOESN'T NEED MUCH WATER.

AND THAT'S A PLATFORMI BELIEVE IN.

THANK YOU.IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

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