Kurt Metzger - Bake and Brag

  • Season 13 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 6,302

Kurt still gets high because there are no good commercials to convince him otherwise. (2:57)

OH, DO YOU GUYS GET HIGH?HERE'S WHY I STILL SMOKE WEED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT OUT --I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT GREATA HABIT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO --

'CAUSE THERE'S NO COMMERCIALS TOCONVINCE ME OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S JUST NOT A GOOD...

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T, LIKE, DIE,YOU KNOW,

SO IT'S ALL, LIKE, GUILT TRIPS.

EVERY ANTI-WEED THING WAS, LIKE,YOUR DOG IS DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

THAT'S A REAL --

REALLY?

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVEIN MY HOME, DOG, THAT I PAY FOR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, LIKE,IF YOUR DOG TALKS TO YOU,

PROBABLY YOU'D STOPDOING A LOT OF STUFF,

BUT -- OR JUST, LIKE, BLOW SMOKEIN HIS FACE TILL HE'S COOL.

YOU CAN DO THAT, TOO.

YOU HAVE THAT OPTION.

OR DID YOU EVER SEE --THERE'S A COMMERCIAL --

"YOU MIGHT GET SO HIGHTHAT YOU FORGET ABOUTYOUR DINNER AT GRANDMA'S,

AND SHE'LL BE SAD"?

THAT WAS A REAL -- AND THEY HADA SAD GRANDMA CLEARING A TABLE,

AND THEN THE GUY'S LIKE,

"JUST TELL YOUR GRANDMOTHERYOU MISSED DINNER

"BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSYGETTING HIGH.

SHE'LL UNDERSTAND."

LIKE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

A POTHEAD'SNOT GONNA MISS DINNER.

THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED INTHE HISTORY OF POT OR DINNER --

NOT ONE TIME.

NOT AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE.

PLUS, IF WEED'STHAT BIG A PROBLEM FOR YOU,

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCEYOU LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER,

SO...SHE CAN JUSTBRING DINNER TO THE BASEMENT.

HERE'S THE REAL REASONNOT TO SMOKE.

THE REASON I SHOULDN'T

IS BECAUSE I GET HIGHAND TELL STUPID STORIES.

LIKE, I GET BAKED AND BRAG.

I'D BE LIKE, "DUDE,I WAS RETARDED YESTERDAY."

THAT'S A -- I'VE SAID THAT.

THAT'S NOT COOL TO SAY THAT.

YOU DON'T HEAR ANY REAL RETARDEDPEOPLE BRAGGING TO YOU...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...LIKE AFTER A WEEKEND,

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,I WAS [BLEEP] UP YESTERDAY!

"I MEAN,I'M [BLEEP] UP EVERY DAY.

I'M -- I'M RETARDED."

BUT LET'S SAYYOU'RE A RETARDED KILLER, OKAY?

SHOULD YOU GET THE DEATHPENALTY? WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD,BUT I THINK, TO BE FAIR,

IT SHOULD BE DONEIN A RETARDED WAY,

LIKE YOU SHOOT THEMOUT OF A CANNON OR SOMETHING

OR DRESS THEM UP LIKE A RABBIT

AND HAVE ANOTHER RETARDED GUYPET THEM TO DEATH, RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT?

A LAZY EYE FOR A LAZY EYE, GUYS.THAT'S IN THE BIBLE.

I THINK WE ESTABLISHEDTHAT I'M CHRISTIAN.

OH, HOW COME WHEN A FAMOUSPERSON'S ON DRUGS, BY THE WAY,

THEY ALWAYS, LIKE,GLORIFY THEIR HABIT?

LIKE, WHEN THEY DO THE "E!HOLLYWOOD STORY," WHATEVER,

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

BATTLED COCAINE FOR MANY YEARS."

YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?HE BATTLED IT?

"LIKE, HOW DO YOU --

DOESN'T THAT JUST MEANYOU DO A LOT OF BLOW, REALLY?"

"HE BRAVELY FOUGHT COCAINEUSING ONLY HIS NOSE AND A STRAW

AND ALL THE MONEYIN HIS BANK ACCOUNT."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

Loading...