Mitch Hedberg - Blocking the Fire Exit

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 01/04/1999
  • Views: 130,551

If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. (2:17)

I WAS AT A CASINO

I WAS STANDING BY THE DOOR...

( laughs )

AND A SECURITY GUARD CAME OVER.

HE SAID, "YOU'RE GOINGTO HAVE TO MOVE.

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE FIRE EXIT."

AS THOUGH IF THERE WAS A FIRE,I WASN'T GOING TO RUN.

( laughter )

IF YOU'RE FLAMMABLEAND HAVE LEGS

YOU ARE NEVER BLOCKINGA FIRE EXIT.

I HATE TURKEYS.

IF YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

AND YOU STAND IN FRONTOF THE LUNCH MEAT FOR TOO LONG

YOU START TO GET PISSED OFFAT TURKEYS.

YOU SEE LIKE TURKEY HAM,TURKEY PASTRAMI, TURKEY BOLOGNA.

SOMEBODY NEEDSTO TELL THE TURKEYS

"MAN, JUST BE YOURSELF."

I ALREADY LIKE YOU,LITTLE BROTHER.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO EMULATETHE OTHER ANIMALS.

YOU GOT YOUR OWN THING GOING.

I USED TO DRAW YOU.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HADA COUPLE FINGERS MISSING

YOU WOULD DRAWA SCREWED-UP TURKEY.

THAT TURKEY WAS IN AN ACCIDENT.

I GO TO A LOTOF BARS AROUND HERE.

A LOT OF BARS HAVE BLACK LIGHTS,AND, WHEN A BAR

HAS BLACK LIGHTS, EVERYBODYLOOKS VERY COOL, EXCEPT FOR ME

'CAUSE I WASUNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT THE MUSTARD STAIN CAME OUT.

I THINK PIZZA HUT

IS THE COCKIEST PIZZA CHAINON THE PLANET

BECAUSE PIZZA HUT WILL ACCEPTALL COMPETITORS' COUPONS.

THAT MAKES ME WISH I HADMY PIZZA PLACE--

MITCH'S PIZZERIA.

THIS WEEK'S COUPON,UNLIMITED FREE PIZZA.

SPECIAL NOTE: COUPON NOT GOOD

AT ANY OF THE MITCH'SPIZZA LOCATIONS.

FREE PIZZA OVEN WITH PURCHASE...

OF A SMALL COKE.

( laughs )

TWO FOR TUESDAY.

BUY ONE PIZZAAND GET ONE FRANCHISE FREE.

WHENEVER I WALK,PEOPLE TRY TO HAND ME FLIERS

AND, WHEN SOMEONE TRIESTO HAND ME OUT A FLIER

IT'S KIND OF LIKETHEY'RE SAYING

"HERE. YOU THROW THIS AWAY."

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