Tom Cotter: I DO THESE COLLEGES
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
AND COLLEGE KIDS HAVE LOST THEIR
MINDS, TOO.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS.
I WENT TO COLUMBIA AND I WORKED
FOR A DRUG CARTEL.
THEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.
[LAUGHTER]
COLLEGE FOR ME WAS THE BEST
28 SEMESTERS OF MY LIFE.
IT REALLY WAS.
I WAS A POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR.
I HAD A MINOR.
HER NAME WAS DEBBIE, NICE KID.
AND...
[LAUGHTER]
I HAD A 3.0.
THAT WAS MY BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL.
I NEVER MADE DEAN'S LIST BUT
I WAS ON CAMPUS SECURITY'S
TEN MOST WANTED EVERY SINGLE
SEMESTER.
BUT COLLEGE KIDS ARE DIFFERENT
NOW, AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH
THIS.
THIS KID CAME UP TO ME AFTER
A SHOW AND HE SAID, "HEY, MAN,
YOU WERE THE [BLEEP]."
[LAUGHTER]
YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE,
YOU LITTLE PUKE.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL
ABOUT?
BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S SOME KIND
OF COMPLIMENT NOW WITH THE KIDS.
AND "FAT".
WHEN I WAS A KID, FAT WAS NO
GOOD.
NOW P-H-A-T IF YOU SPELL IT THAT
WAY THAT MEANS "COOL".
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
AND "THE 'BOMB'", REMEMBER WHEN
BOMBS WERE EVIL AND THEY MAIMED
AND KILLED.
NOW "THE 'BOMB'" MEANS
REALLY COOL.
SO NOW IF YOU'RE A
PHAT [BLEEP] BOMB YOU'RE FRIGGEN
AMAZING TO THESE KIDS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEY SPEAK A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT LANGUAGE.
THIS OTHER KID CAME UP TO ME AND
HE SAID, "HEY, MAN, YO, YO,
I'M FEELING YOU."
[LAUGHTER]
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA GET
TO FIRST BASE HOW'S THAT,
WHISTLE NUTS?
AND I'M NOT A YO-YO.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS OTHER KID CAME UP TO ME
AND SAID, "YOU MY DOG."
REALLY?
WHY DON'T I MOUNT YOUR LEG
AND POOP ON THE RUG.
CAN I DO THAT?
WOOF.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS OTHER KID CAME UP TO ME
AND HE SAID, "YO, YOU WAS MAD
FUNNY UP IN HERE.
I AIN'T FRONTIN', KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING?"
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST
SAID, NO."
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
I WAS LIKE CAN I BUY A VOWEL
OR PHONE A FRIEND, YOU LOST ME
AT "YO".
HEY, THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AT