Ty Barnett - New Birth Control

  • Season 10, Ep 2
  • 02/16/2006
  • Views: 8,513

There should be restrictions on who can breed. (3:25)

THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.

I'M SURE WE GOT SOME PARENTS OUT HERE. LIKE WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THE BESTEST. YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

- SORRY, THE GOODEST-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS JUST "TRY HARD, LITTLE BUCKAROO."

NOW, YOU'VE GOT TO BE NUMBER 1. NO BUMPER STICKERS THAT SAY,

"MODERATELY PROUD PARENT OF AN AVERAGE "C" STUDENT."

NOBODY GOT THEIR CAR SPRAY PAINTED, "GED 2005."

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

AND THEN PLUSI SIT THERE AND THINK--

I DON'T THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE A PARENT THOUGH.

- [APPLAUSE] - YEAH.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE RESTRICTIONS ON

WHO CAN BREED REALLY, YOU KNOW. LIKE YOU THINK ABOUT

LIKE WHEN YOUGO BUY A CAR OR A HOUSE,

THEY DO A CREDIT CHECKTO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'REFINANCIAL RESPONSIBLE.

WE SHOULD HAVEPARENTAL CREDIT CHECKS.

YOU GO INTO THE OFFICE WITH LIKE,

"HEY, YOU'RE INTHE MARKET FOR A CHILD.

"GREAT TIME TO HAVE ONE. LET'S CHECK YOUR PAPERWORK

"TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER.

"WOW, THAT'S A PRETTY LOW SCORE.YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PUT YOUR KID

- IN YOUR MAMA NAME." - [LAUGHTER]

SEE, I KNEW MORE THAN BLACK PEOPLE WOULD GET THAT JOKE.

I KNEW THAT.

'CAUSE LIKE WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU, LADIES,

BECAUSE THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH STARTS WITH Y'ALL--

STARTS WITH LADIES.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR EGGS...

YOU KNOW YOUR EGGULAR AREA, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A REAL WORD.IT IS IN THE DICTIONARY.

AND LIKE EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN YOU GO TO THE NIGHTCLUB,

IF YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, THEY WON'T LET YOU IN.

THAT'S THE BOUNCER RIGHT? I THINK MEDICAL SCIENCE

SHOULD COME UP WITH A MORE ADVANCE BIRTH CONTROL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, KIND OF LIKE A SPERM BOUNCER.

NO, I'M SAYING SOMETHING THAT WILL WORK IN FRONT OF THE EGG

TO KEEP OUT THE REALLY IGNORANT, DUMB ASS SPERM, YOU KNOW.

LIKE THE SPERM WILL COME UP TO THE EGG LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WORKS BETTERWITH A CORD, SERIOUSLY.

BUT IT'LL COME UP TO THE EGG RIGHT, IT'D BE LIKE, "HEY,

"YOU WILL NOT BELIEVETHE LINE BEHIND ME, MAN.

"CHECK THIS OUT.HERE GO $20.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME IN THE EGG?"

AND THE BOUNCER WILL BE LIKE, "WELL, HOLD UP.

"LET ME CHECK THE LIST MAKE SURE YOU QUALIFY.

"THAT'S A PRETTY LOW SCORE.

"AND LOOKING AT YOUR TAIL YOU SMOKE A LOT OF WEED.

"AND I DON'T THINK I CAN LET YOU IN HERE, DUDE.

SORRY, YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO GO AROUND BACK."

[PAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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