Mike Lawrence - Basement Dweller

  • Season 2 , Ep 4
  • 04/14/2011
  • Views: 24,853

Mike Lawrence has managed to not have sex in over a year and a half just by being himself. (2:23)

I HAVEN'T HAD SEXIN OVER A YEAR IN A HALF.

SO DON'T GIVE IT UPFOR ME.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN OVERA YEAR AND A HALF,

AND PEOPLE ASK ME HOWTHAT'S POSSIBLE AND I SAY,

"ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS JUST BE YOURSELF."

(laughter)

(applause)

I LIVE IN A BASEMENT NOWAND, LADIES,

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUTMY WINDOWLESS (bleep) PALACE.

(laughter)

THIS IS MY ROUTINEEVERY NIGHT.

I HAVE TO LIFT A METAL GRATEWITH MY TWO HANDS,

WALK DOWN A STAIRCASEHOLDING A LANTERN

AND PUSH COBWEBSOUT OF MY FACE.

SO EVERY NIGHT,I GO TO BED,

I FEEL LIKE A REPUBLICAN SENATORFEEDING HIS GAY SON.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

BEFORE THAT,I HAD TWO ROOMMATES

OR "SURFACE DWELLERS"AS I CALL THEM.

(laughter)

AND ONE WAS A PARANORMALROMANCE FICTION NOVELIST,

AND THE OTHER WAS A FEMINISTAUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CARTOONIST,

AND I DO STAND UP COMEDY.

SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATMY APARTMENT WAS LIKE,

TRY TO IMAGINETHE MUSICAL "RENT"

IF NO ONE HAD ENOUGH CHARISMATO GET AIDS.

(laughter)

I WAS WITH ONE GIRLFOR FOUR AND A HALF YEARS.

SHE WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL

AND COMMUNITY COLLEGESWEETHEART.

(laughter)

AND IT'S ALL BEEN DOWNHILL,AND I I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS

IS BECAUSE I DON'T DRINK.

I COME FROMA LONG LINE OF ALCOHOLICS.

MY FAMILY TREEHAS A CAR WRAPPED AROUND IT.

(laughter)

(applause)

AND I'M A CHILD OF DIVORCE,AND I REALLY HATE THE WAY

I FOUND OUT ABOUTMY PARENTS' DIVORCE.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY MOMTOOK ME OUT FOR ICE CREAM,

AND SHE SAT ME DOWN,SHE SAID, "MICHAEL,

"I'M LEAVING YOUR FATHER.

I'M GOING OFF TO MARRYANOTHER MAN, AND I'M PREGNANT."

AND THAT WAS REALLY MESSED UP'CAUSE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

THREE DIFFERENT TRIPSTO GET ICE CREAM.

(laughter)

Loading...