The Rio de Janeiro Hell-ympics

July 7, 2016 - Xiuhtezcatl Martinez 07/07/2016 Views: 3,263

Rio de Janeiro prepares for the Olympics amid health concerns and violent crime, and Dennis Rodman (Jordan Carlos) attempts to defend the host city. (5:58)

Uh, speaking ofdisgusting creatures

you don't wantanywhere near your body,

have you seen what's going onin Brazil ahead of the Olympics?

Growing concerns over Brazil'sOlympic games next month.

Scientists have detecteda drug-resistant bacteria

growing off the shoresof some of Rio's beaches.

Yup, it's gonna be

the nastiest Olympics ever.

That is why it's time to kickoff The Nightly Show's

2016 Olympics coveragewith this.

Researchers saythe super bacteria

entered the city's waterways

when sewage from local hospitals

got into the bay.

Ho, ho, wait, wait, wait.

Hospital sewage just"got into the bay"?

Sounds like some mischief

from this year'sOlympic mascot Fecalo.

Isn't he adorable?

Oh, oh, you thinka bucket of crap

is an inappropriate mascot?

Observe.

REPORTER: Tests found disease-causing viruses

in Rio's waters 1.7 million times the level

that would be considered hazardous in the U.S.

It sounds crude,but this is basically like

-flushing a giant toiletinto the ocean. -Yeah.

This is a toilet.

(Brazilian accent):This is a toilet.

By the way,I find it very offensive

that they hired the Mario Bros.to clean up this mess.

Very offensive.

(Italian accent):Uh, Princess Peach,

she's not gonna cometo a game that's in a toilet.

(mumbles)

But exactly how badare conditions

for the Olympians who have tocompete in this unclean water?

MAN: It's a nice sailing area but, uh,

every time you getsome water in your face,

it feels like, uh,

there's, uh, some alien enemy,

uh, entering your face.

He made it soundso sexy though, right?

Uh, by the way, if you're okaywith an alien enemy

entering your face,I hear Roger Ailes

now has an opening at Fox News.

If you're okay...

I'm just saying,if you're okay with it.

Oh, by the way,we all know you did it.

And don't worry, mother(bleep),

just because I'm talkingabout him

doesn't mean I forgot about you,all right?

Okay. All right.

Well, this is horrible,you guys.

I mean, the-the Olympics arein, like, a month, right?

I mean, normally, when I thinkof the dangers of Brazil,

I-I mean,I-I usually think of gangs.

At least they aren't dealingwith massive drug violence.

REPORTER: Police dealing with massive drug violence there.

Of course, of course.

Jesus Christ.

I mean, what's next,human body parts

are gonna start washing upon the beach or something?

Human body parts have been found washed up on a beach

just feet from where the Olympic volleyball tournament

will be played.

No!

This isn't a toilet.A toilet has dignity.

Right? A toilet has class.

A toilet has purpose.

A toilet would never have a footin it.

All right, well, actually,that's not quite true, you know?

Just don't have enough timeto unpack that right now.

All right. All right,with more on this story,

we go to Nightly Show sports contributor

and literally the only athleteavailable to us on short notice,

-Dennis Rodman, everybody.-Aw, yes!

Yes.(laughs)

-Thanks, uh... thanksfor coming, Dennis. -Yeah!

-All right, Dennis...-Okay.

-All right, are people concernedabout the superbugs -Yeah.

-found in the waters of Rio?-Oh, n...

-A-All these viruses-Uh-huh.

-and all these Germans-Germans?

-make your body stronger.-Uh-huh.

It-it boosts your immune system.

And my-my immune system tooka beating in the '90s.

(laughs)Now,

these germs give you strengthto...

They-they give you the strengthof 10,000 cobras, you know?

-Yeah.-Really?

-Yeah.-Uh, I don't think so.

Some of this bacteria,it literally eats your brains.

That's good, Larry.

-How is that good?-No, that's good.

Larry, why do people watchthe Olympics, right?

-Because of stories.Anybody can watch a race. -Okay.

If you told me some guy,good guy,

-is getting his brains eaten outby some monster bug, -Right.

that's a good story!(laughs)

Good Olympics!(laughs)

-Yeah. -No, but body partsare, like, washing up

on the beach in Rio.I mean, the city...

-the city must be freaking out,right? -Why?

Wh-Why be concerned?(chuckles)

'Cause a random headwashed up on the beach.

Okay, so you-you just movethe-the head over

and-and you playmore volleyball.

You know? It's-it's notlike somebody died. (chuckles)

Well, yeah, actually,it is like somebody...

somebody literally did die.That's what happened.

Look, Dennis, Brazil isa complete disaster right now.

Cops are not being paid.Have you heard of that?

Hospitals are,like, understocked.

-Let me break it down!-Okay, break it down.

Let me break it down.

Price of stripperswent through the roof.

-All right.-It's hot on the roof.

-What the (bleep)are you talking about?! -Yeah!

-That makes no sense at all!-Oh, you know

what doesn't make sense?Biathlon. (chuckles)

Who skis then stops and shoots?

That's-that'sthe Winter Olympics.

-(crying)-Are you cry...

Wait, are you crying?

You, you always correct me,Larry Wilmore, okay?

If it's not Winter Olympics,

then why am I wearingthis scarf?

I don't know.

-Huh? -You arethe most unstable human being

-on the face of the Earth, okay?-(laughing)

I don't know... I don't knowwhy you do anything.

I don't even know whywe continue to pay you for this.

Exactly. Now...

look, all I got to sayis the people in the Olympics

are gonna facea Brazilian problems.

Um, do you think"Brazilian" is a number?

It's not? It's not? What?

-Wait... -Okay, once again,we've learned nothing.

-Dennis Rodman, everyone.We'll be right back. -What?