Chelsea Peretti - Weird Attractiveness Level

  • Season 15 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 70,350

Just when Chelsea starts to feel good about herself, someone brings her back down. (2:12)

YOU GUYS KIND OF JUDGINGMY ATTRACTIVENESS LEVEL?

IT'S A WEIRD LEVEL--IT'S A REALLY WEIRD LEVEL.

IT'S FRUSTRATING.

IT KINDA FALLS THROUGHMY FINGERS, AT TIMES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I-- JUSTWHEN I START TO FEEL PRETTY

AND FEEL GOODABOUT MYSELF,

SOMEONE ALWAYS BRINGS MERIGHT BACK DOWN TO EARTH.

MY FRIEND'S MOMWAS LIKE, "CHELSEA!"

SHE WAS SO EXCITED--"CHELSEA, I SAW AN UGLY CHELSEA

"ON THE STREETTHE OTHER DAY."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."

BASICALLY, WHAT THATTRANSLATES TO IS,

"YOU SAW AN UGLY PERSONAND YOU THOUGHT OF ME."

[audience laughing]

THANKS FORTHE HEADS UP.

I APPRECIATE IT.

I'M, UH, I'MJEWISH AND ITALIAN,

SO I HAVE THIS FACE.

[audience laughing]

JEWISH PEOPLE GET OBSESSEDWITH WHICH HALF IS JEWISH.

I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,MY LAST NAME'S 'PERETTI.'

"I THOUGHT JEWSWERE SMART."

[audience laughing]

UM, BUT THEY'RE ALWAYSLIKE, "WHO'S THE JEW?

"IS IT YOUR MOMOR IS IT YOUR DAD?

"WHO'S THE JEW,WHO'S THE JEW?"

AND WHEN I SAY,"IT'S MY MOM,"

"THEY'RE LIKE,"THEN YOU ARE A JEW!

"BY JEWISH LAWYOU ARE A JEW!"

I'M LIKE "OH, YOU GOT ME--TAKE ME TO JEW COURT."

I JUST, UH, I JUST GOTOUT OF THREE RELATIONSHIPS.

SO NOW, I'M ALWAYS TRYINGTO FIGURE OUT, LIKE,

WHAT KIND OFCLOTHES TO WEAR

TO DRAW SOMEONE TO ME,AND I NEVER KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I'M MAKINGIT UP-- I'M LIKE,

"SHALL I WEAR THISBALL GOWN, YOU KNOW,

"OR SHOULD I WEARTHIS BALL GOWN?"

I JUST HAVEA CLOSET FULL OF THEM.

BUT I NEVERWEAR THEM.

I JUST WIND UPWEARING JEANS,

BUT THEN I WILL DOTHAT TRICK THAT GIRLS DO

WHERE YOU LET YOURG-STRING STRAP PEEK OUT

ABOVE THE WAISTOF THE JEANS

'CAUSE THEN YOUCAN BE LIKE,

"OOPSIES-- I MADEA SEXY MISTAKE-- WOOPSIES!"

SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO HOISTTHEM UP OVER MY SHOULDERS.

[applause]

I'LL JUST HOOKMY THUMBS IN 'EM LIKE,

"SOMEONE'S AVAILABLE.

"SHE'S GOT HER LITTLESINGLE SUSPENDERS ON."

JUST SEE WHATI CAN REEL IN.

USUALLY, IT'SSOMETHING TERRIBLE.

[audience laughing]

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