Christian Finnegan - Car Alarms

  • Season 9 , Ep 7
  • 03/10/2005
  • Views: 10,984

The secret to living in New York City is to block things out. (3:27)

I LIVE HERE IN NEW YORK CITYAND I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AND I ALSO LOVE AMERICA

AND PUPPIES.

AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

COME ON.

I LOVE NEW YORK.

I THINK THE SECRET OF SURVIVINGIN NEW YORK WITHOUT GOING CRAZY

IS LEARNING HOW TO BLOCKTHINGS OUT.

ALL THE EXTRANEOUS NOISEYOU HEAR, YOU KNOW.

LIKE CAR ALARMS FOR INSTANCE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT CAR ALARMSARE ANNOYING, BUT NOBODY

EVEN MENTIONS THE FACT THATTHEY'RE ALSO COMPLETELY USELESS.

BECAUSE WHEN IS THE LAST TIME--AND THIS IS NOT A

RHETORICAL QUESTION--HONESTLY ASK YOURSELF THIS--

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERELYING IN BED, HEARD A CAR ALARM

GO OFF AND THOUGHT TO YOURSELF,"OH MY GOD, A CAR IS BEING

STOLEN"?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]TEN YEARS AGO MAYBE?

NO.

YOU THINK, "SOMEBODY BETTER SHUTTHAT [BLEEP] DAMN THING OFF...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]OR I'M GOING TO STAB MYSELF."

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK A CARIS BEING STOLEN, RIGHT?

AND EVEN IF YOU DIDIT'S NOT GOING TO GO DO

ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'M NOT BATMAN, FOR [BLEEP]SAKE.

NO.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SAY,"OH, SUCKS TO BE THAT DUDE,"

AND PUT YOUR PILLOW OVER YOURHEAD AND GO TO SLEEP, RIGHT?

SO THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF ACAR ALARM IF IT DOESN'T GET

PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR BEDS TO COMEHELP YOU?

SO IF I EVER HAVE A CAR ALARM,IF I EVER HAVE A CAR...

[LAUGHTER]IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A BIG

SPEAKER ON THE BACK OF MY CAR.

AND WHENEVER ANYBODY TRIES TOBREAK IN IT'S JUST GOING TO GO,

"ATTENTION, FREE BAGS OF WEED.

[ALARM SOUNDING]COME GET YOUR FREE BAGS OF

WEED."

[ALARM SOUNDING][CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE ARE GOINGTO COME RUNNING-- MAYBE NOT THE

KIND OF PEOPLE WHO CAN HELPA WHOLE LOT.

BUT PEOPLE, NONETHELESS.

[LAUGHTER]YOU PROBABLY SEE PEOPLE ON THE

STREET TALKING TO THEMSELVESAND YOU FEEL BAD FOR THEM.

I KNOW I USED TO.

NOW I'M JUST KINDA JEALOUSOF THEM.

BECAUSE SURE, THEY'RE CRAZYBUT THEY'RE ALWAYS HAVING REALLY

INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT?

[LAUGHTER]MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE

CRAP YOU AND I TALK ABOUT ON ADAY-TO-DAY BASIS.

I CAN SPEND 40 MINUTES ON THEPHONE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

WEIGHING THE PROS AND CONS OFBUYING A BED SKIRT.

[LAUGHTER]MEANWHILE, THIS GUY OVER HERE IS

DISCUSSING MILITARY STRATEGYWITH CHARLEMAGNE.

I WANT THAT CONVERSATION.

I SAW A GUY ONCE YOU SHOULDREALLY FEEL BAD FOR.

HE WASN'T TALKING TO HIMSELF.

HE WAS LISTENING TO HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER]WHAT I MEAN BY THIS IS

HE WAS HAVING AN IMAGINARYCONVERSATION, BUT HE COULD NOT

GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE.

SO THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S JUSTDOING THIS, "RIGHT, YEAH.

YOU KNOW-- YEAH.

WELL, THAT-- THAT'S THE-- THING.

YEAH-- I WAS-- I KNOW.

YEAH."

FOR 25 MINUTES!

THAT'S AN AFFLICTION.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]THAT'S LIKE HAVING THAT

BORING STORY GUY FROM THE OFFICESTUCK INSIDE YOUR SKULL.

AND I COULD TELL THAT WASTHE CASE 'CAUSE AT ONE POINT

HE DID THIS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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