Brian Kiley - Being a Parent

  • Season 10 , Ep 19
  • 04/20/2006
  • Views: 1,797

You have to field tough questions as a parent. (3:16)

IT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

AND I REALIZE IT'S JUST T-BALL AND I KNOW HE'S ON STEROIDS.

- BUT STILL. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE A LOT OF DADS, IT'S MY DREAM THAT MY SON

WILL GROW UP TO BE THE NEXT TIGER WOODS.

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF HE PLAYS GOLF.

I JUST WANT HIM TO MARRY A HOT SWEDISH MODEL, YOU KNOW? I WOULD BE SO PROUD.

IT'S BEEN A BIG YEARFROM MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD.

TWO MONTHS AGO HE MADE HIS FIRST CONFESSION.

TOOK THE COPSFOUR HOURS TO BREAK HIM.

- [LAUGHTER] - HE'S GOT SOME WILLPOWER.

YOU HAVE TO FIELD SOME TOUGH QUESTIONS WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT.

MY KIDS CAME BACK VISITING MY GRANDMOTHER RECENTLY

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "DAD, DOES NANA REALLY HAVE TO DIE?"

LIKE, WELL SHE DIDCOMMIT A CAPITAL CRIME.

- [LAUGHTER] - THOSE ARE THE RULES.

KIDS WILL SURPRISE YOU.THE OTHER DAY,

MY LITTLE BOYTALKED BACK TO MY WIFE.

SHE TOLD HIM TO DO SOMETHING. HE SAID, "NO. I DON'T WANT TO."

SO, I HAD TO PULL HIM ASIDE AND SAY, "LISTEN.

YOU GOTTA TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I THINK KIDS TODAY GROW UP A LOT FASTER THAN WE DID.

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, MY LITTLE BOY ASKED ME WHAT "GAY" MEANS.

AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED ME.

BUT IT WAS RIGHT AFTER HE SAW ME THROW A BASEBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEKEND, MY WIFE AND I HAD THE MISTAKE

OF BRINGING OUR KIDS TO THE ART MUSEUM.

IT'S ONE OF THESE THINGS, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE PAINTINGS

AND EVERY TIME THEY SEE A NIPPLE,

THEY HAVE TO POINT AND LAUGH. 'CAUSE THEY'RE AT THAT AGE

WHERE THEY HAVE TO COPY EVERYTHING I DO.

- [LAUGHTER] - THAT'S MY THING.

BUT I'VE NOTICED THAT THE TERMINOLOGY FOR CERTAIN THINGS

HAS CHANGED SINCE I WAS A KID.WHEN I WAS A KID,

WE USED TO CALL FLIP-FLOPS THONGS. RIGHT?

I SAID TO MY KIDS THIS SUMMER, "YOU KNOW, MOM AND I ARE

THINKING OF PUTTING OUR THONGSON AND GOING DOWN TO THE BEACH."

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO THANK YOU."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - DON'T WANNA SEE THAT.

THEY'RE JUST FEET.

BUT I RATHER THINK, IF YOU'VE GOT LITTLE KIDS,

IT'S KIND OF AN UNWRITTEN RULE

THAT YOU CAN BRING THEM INTO AN OPPOSITE-SEX BATHROOM.

I HAD SOMEBODY ROLL THEIR EYES AT ME RECENTLY

'CAUSE I BROUGHT MY EIGHT-YEAR-OLD WITH ME INTO THE LADIES ROOM.

- [LAUGHTER] - HE'S EIGHT.

PEOPLE KILL ME.

AND WHEN YOU'RE A NEW PARENT, YOU WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WE TOOK OUR LITTLE BOY TO THE DOCTOR'S LAST WEEK I'M LIKE,

"IS HIS PENIS SUPPOSED TO BE FULLY GROWN AT HIS AGE?"

THE DOCTOR'S LIKE, "FULLY GROWN? IT'S A HALF AN INCH BIG."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOTTA FUN. THANKS VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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