Dangerous Marathons, Hitchhiking Dave Matthews & Jeremy Piven Does Parties

Season 2 , Ep 3 07/23/13 Views: 13,497

Marathons and motorcycles prove lethal, Dave Matthews surprises a couple on the way to his concert, and Jeremy Piven makes himself available. (3:28)

>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU AND

WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK

OFFENSIVE."

I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.

HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

I FIGURED I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS

AND BAD NEWS.

GOOD NEWS IS WE HAVE ADAM PALLY

AND CASEY WILSON HERE TONIGHT.

THE BAD NEWS IS AS FOLLOWS.

THIS IS BIG, A DANISH WOMAN

DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE

SCLEROSIS DECIDED TO LITERALLY

RUN FOR HER LIFE COMPLETING 366

MARATHONS IN A YEAR.

DOCTORS SAY THE KEY TO HER

SURVIVAL WAS SKIPPING BOSTON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, ROLLING STONE

MAGAZINE HAS BEEN BANNED BY 7-11

BECAUSE THE COVER FEATURES A

PHOTO OF TSARNAEV AND NOW IF YOU

WANT TO GO TO A 7-11 YOU'LL JUST

HAVE TO SEE THE SHRINE BEHIND

THE COUNTER.

HERE'S A WEIRD ONE, LAST WEEK A

WOMAN IN PENNSYLVANIA GAVE BIRTH

TO A BABY GIRL WEIGHING A

WHOPPING 13 POUNDS, 5 OUNCES.

THE MOM HAS A COUPLE IDEAS FOR

THE BABY'S NAME BUT AT THIS

POINT, SHE'S STILL TORN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: I GOT TO POINT OUT

THAT'S A "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE"

FIRST.

A JOKE ABOUT A BABY, WHERE THE

BABY SURVIVES.

NOW, ON A SAD NOTE, "GLEE" STAR

CORY MONTEITH PASSED AWAY AT A

MONTREAL HOTEL AND POLICE SAY HE

PASSED AWAY FROM DRUGS AND THE

CAUSE OF DRUGS WAS "GLEE."

TO MUSIC NEWS, LAST WEEK A

COUPLE ON THEIR WAY TO A DAVE

MATHEWS CONCERT PULLED OVER TO

PICK UP A HITCHHIKER ONLY TO

DISCOVER IT WAS DAVE MATHEWS

HIMSELF BUT THEY SAID A

HITCHHIKER IS A HITCHHIKER SO

THEY KILLED HIM.

TALK ABOUT CLUTCH.

AFTER 40 YEARS OF NOT OWNING A

MOTORCYCLE BECAUSE HIS WIFE SAID

THAT WERE TOO DANGEROUS A

WYOMING MAN BOUGHT ONE AND WAS

KILLED AFTER RIDING THREE MILES.

SEEMS LIKE THE DEATH WAS A GREAT

LOSS BUT FOR THE WIFE THE

ARGUMENT WAS A HUGE VICTORY.

NOW HERE'S ONE FOR YOU ENTOURAGE

FANS.

ACCORDING TO A CELEBRITY EVENT

BOOKER IN NEW YORK, JEREMY PIVEN

WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR PARTY FOR

$70,000 OR YOU CAN GET HIM TO

STAY HOME.

AND FINALLY, MATT SANDUSKY THE

AST

ADOPTED SON OF JERRY SANDUSKY.

HE'S CHANGING HIS NAME TO

DISTANCE HIMSELF.

HE'S CHANGING HIS NAME TO MATT

KID-BANGER.

THAT'S A GREAT MONOLOGUE.

>> IT'S SO GREAT I CAN WALK

AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

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