Mary Lynn Rajskub - Extra Security Screening

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 01/15/2010
  • Views: 8,370

Mary Lynn Rajskub's boobies and vagina are very sensitive. Please don't touch them. (2:05)

I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT HERE.

I GOT, UM, PULLED OVERFOR EXTRA SECURITY SCREENING

AT THE AIRPORT.

I KNOW, IT WAS MEAND AN 81-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

IN A WHEELCHAIRWITH A CAT ON HER SWEATSHIRT.

OH, WE'RE SO DANGEROUS.

BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,SHE DID LOOK KIND OF SUSPICIOUS.

BUT ME, WHA--I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I LOOK LIKE SOMEONEWHO WOULD FIGHT TERRORISM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WHAT?

I MEAN,I LOOK REMARKABLY LIKE SOMEONE

WHO WOULD WORKAT A COUNTER-TERRORIST UNIT.

(cheers and applause)

SO I WENT OVERTO THE SPECIAL AREA,

AND SHE COMES AT MEWITH HER WAND.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU,SHE GOES,

"ARE THERE ANY SENSITIVE AREASON YOUR BODY?"

(laughter)

IS-- A-ARE YOU EFFING WITH MERIGHT NOW?

IS-IS-- ASHTON'S GONNACOME OUT, RIGHT?

TOTALLY BEING PUNK'D.

BUT IT HAPPENEDIN A SPLIT SECOND.

I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF TIMETO THINK ABOUT IT.

SHE'S JUST COMING. I'M LIKE,"WHAT--WHAT DO I SAY? DO I--"

AND I DECIDEDTO JUST-JUST GO WITH THE TRUTH.

AND SO SHE'S ALMOST TO MEWITH THE WAND, THEN I SAID,

"MY BOOBIES AND VAGINA."(laughter)

SHE'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME?"

(laughter)

THEN I HAD TO COMMIT TO IT.

"OH, MY BOOBIES AND VAGINAARE VERY SENSITIVE!

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THEM!YOU GUYS."

THEN IT'S LIKE THE EXACT THINGTHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN

THEN TOTALLY HAPPENED.

THEY TOOK ME AWAYTO A SECRET ROOM.

THEY STARTED TOUCHINGALL MY SENSITIVE AREAS.(laughter)

THEY WERE SEARCHINGIN MY ORIFICES.

I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU HAD TO USE

THE WORD "ORIFICE,"LET ALONE "ORIFICES"?

I DON'T WANNA GET INTO IT,BUT IT WASN'T NICE,

AND THEN THEY PUT,LIKE, A PICTURE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, "WE'LL WATCH OUTFOR THIS LADY. SHE'S A PERVERT."

WHICH IS TOTAL B.S.

BECAUSE, NUMBER ONE,I'M NOT A PERVERT.

THERE WAS THAT ONE GUYWHO WAS INTO FEET.

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