Can I, can I ask you guys,can I ask you guys a question?
Do you...do you ever stop sometimes
and reminisce about things
and how they used to be?
You know, like, like, way back--
like, five months ago.
You know, when the presidentwas still competent
You know, back...
back when the governmentwasn't an exploding train
driving off a cliff,
heading into a minefieldin the middle of the ocean,
which is somehow also on fire?
Well, if you'reone of those people,
then last nightwas definitely for you,
because CNN answered our prayers
and took us on a nostalgia tour
by pretendingthe presidential primaries
were still in full force.
ANNOUNCER: Bernie Sanders. Ted Cruz.
Please welcome the runners-up
for the Democraticand Republican nominations
for presidentin their first debate,
Senator Bernie Sanders,Independent of Vermont
and Senator Ted Cruz,Republican of Texas.
Really, Jake? Really?
The runners-up for thenominations for the president?
I'm sorry, but no, no.
The only runner-up for presidentis Hillary Clinton.
"The runners-upfor the nominations"
is just another way of saying
"two peoplewho aren't president."
You realize how easy it isto be who they are?
I'll show you right now.
I'm going to run for president.You guys gonna support me?
-Yeah, yeah, you gonna supportme? -(cheering, applause)
Thank you very much. Thank you.I'm running for president.
Thank you. Whoa, wait, wait,wait, wait, sorry, sorry.
Uh, I've just decidedto pull out right now.
I'm now a formerpresidential candidate.
Yeah, I, uh,wanted to spend more time
with my family or whatever.So... so I'm out.
It's that easy.But hey, do-don't get me wrong.
I'm not... I'm not, uh,dumping on CNN, you know?
I actually thought this wasa welcome change
from the random nobodieswho get on TV
to share their expert opinions.At least these are people
who are actually in governmentgiving us their opinions.
So it meant something
when they said things like thisabout Obamacare.
We have got to go furtherand join
every othermajor country on Earth
and say thatif you are an American,
you are guaranteed health careas a right,
not a privilege.
The answer is notmore of Obamacare,
more government control,
more of whatgot us in this mess.
Rather, the answeris empower you,
give you choices.
So Bernie wants the governmentto do all of it
and Cruz wants the governmentto do none of it.
Which we already knew,we understood that.
But what we didn't know was thatthese two polar opposites
would somehow spark a bromance.
You know, here I find myselfin agreement with Ted.
Just a couple of weeks agoon the senate floor
I voted with you.
Ted, let's work together.
Well, there is an area,actually, where we agree.
I think, Ted,that's a fair point.
Wow, look at you.
Look at that--ceding a fair point.
You realize, for a senator,that's like third base.
Yeah, no wonderthey spend so much time
hiding their boners, you know?
That... that wasa thrilling night.
Oh, and by the way, that's...
that is actuallywhere Ted Cruz's penis is.
That's not a...I'm not making a mistake.
They're both hiding their...
No, it works fine,it's just in another place.
It's-it's actually...it's actually... it's called
a navel (bleep),that's what that is.
It's a preexisting condition.
You-you know what elsewas magical last night?
A-And I don't know if this isbecause of spending so much time
with Trump or Kellyanneor Scaredy Spice,
but for the first time,
I didn't want to kill myselfwhile listening to Ted Cruz.
No, I'm not gonna lie.
He even told a joke
I actually thought was funny.
Now, Bernie mentions Canadaquite a bit.
I-I know quite a bitabout Canadian health care.
I was born there.Uh, you know, Bernie,
that may be the best argumentagainst your position--
-is-is, you know, look-lookwhat it produced. -Look at this.
Yeah, that's right.
Ted Cruz finally learnedthe first rule of comedy:
make fun of Ted Cruz.
When I was watching that,
I didn't even knowwhat to do, you know?
Like, I've been watchingTed Cruz for so long
that my minddoesn't think of that.
I was-I was watching that, andI was like, "Is that a joke?"
And then my body and minddidn't know what was happening.
Like, I was like, "That'sfunny," but my body was like...
Like, my mind wastelling me "no," but my body...
my body was telling me "yeah."I mean...
I mean, don't get me wrong,don't get me wrong.
Don't encourage me.I mean, don't get me wrong--
There were still plentyof moments where Cruz
came off as an alien stilllearning how to pass as a human.
Like, for instance, this moment,
when a woman living withmultiple sclerosis
asked himwhether or not Republicans
would replace, uh,Obamacare with an option
that would guaranteefuture coverage.
Thank you for sharingyour story, and-and I...
congratulations on-ondealing with MS.
It's-it's a terrible disease,and congratulations
on-on your strugglesdealing with it.
congratulationson dealing with MS.
I'll tell you now,I do not want to see Ted Cruz
making greeting cards.
of your diagnosis.
When are you expecting...
Oh, and, by the way,in case you were wondering,
Cruz dodged the answerto that question all night.
He never once confirmedthat Republicans
would guarantee coveragefor preexisting conditions.
The whole night. He just keptbobbing. Bobbing and dodging.
Which is a common side effectof navel (bleep).
One of those things.
Now, while Ted, uh,was trying his creepy best
to win over the crowd, Berniewas doing his signature move,
being cluelesslybrutally honest.
Because he got a questionfrom a small business owner
asking how to grow her business
while also being able to affordinsurance for her workers.
You own five, uh, salons.
And you employclose to 50 people.
And what kind ofhealth insurance do you provide
-to them?-I don't... Uh, none.
Let me give you an answeryou will not be happy with.
If you have more than 50 people,you know what, I think...
I'm afraid to tell you,but I think you will have
-to provide health insurance.-So my ques...
You know, hate him or love him,you got to give Bernie props.
Most politicians would contrivean ambiguous answer
to look goodin front of the people.
Bernie, he just told itlike it is.
You know? He's like,"Well, I'm sorry to tell you,
yeah, put up or shut up."
Yeah. It's alsobecause he has a deep disdain
for all hair salons.You have to understand.
No, because lookat what they did to him.
Bernie's like,"You think I asked for this?
"You think I asked for this?!
You think... I wanted a bob!"
What would Bernie look likewith a bob?
I wonder what...
Yeah.He could have been president.
I like that.
You know, as much as...as much as last night
was a fun trip down memory lane,that's all it was.
Because we woke up this morningand reality set in.
Cruz is still hatedby his entire party.
Bernie's ideas are still tooidealistic for this Congress.
And 35% of Americansstill don't know
Obamacare and the AffordableCare Act are the same thing.
So as Bernie Sanderswould put it, we're all screwed!
Or as Ted Cruz would say,
congratulationson being screwed.