Greg Giraldo - Nuclear Weapons

Season 1 , Ep 0101 12/08/02 Views: 5,255

India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons, but they can't afford matching uniforms. (2:22)

WASN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE

PEACE AND PROSPERITY AT THE END

OF THE COLD WAR?

ALL THE SUDDEN REALLY IT IS THE

MOST DANGEROUS TIME IN HISTORY.

THERE'S ALL THESE DISEASES,

EVERYBODY'S GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS,

EVERYBODY HATES US.

EVERYBODY'S GOT NUCLEAR WEAPONS,

INDIA, PAKISTAN, NORTH KOREA.

INDIA AND PAKISTAN HAVE NUCLEAR

WEAPONS.

HOW'D THEY GET NUCLEAR WEAPONS?

THOSE ARE DIRT-POOR COUNTRIES.

THEIR ARMIES DON'T EVEN HAVE

MATCHING UNIFORMS FOR

CHRIST'S SAKE.

WHEN THEY GO TO WAR THEY HAVE

TO CALL EACH OTHER UP,

[INDIAN ACCENT] "WELL, SOMETHING

TOUGH LOOKING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NORTH KOREA OF COURSE...

NORTH KOREA, THAT'S A DANGEROUS

PLACE.

PEOPLE SAY, HEY, WHY DON'T WE

INVADE NORTH KOREA?

WE ATTACKED IRAQ, WHY DON'T WE

GO INTO NORTH KOREA?

ISN'T IT HYPOCRITICAL?

WE SHOULD ATTACK NORTH KOREA.

WHY DON'T WE DO IT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, FOLKS.

FIRST OF ALL, 'CAUSE THE NORTH

KOREANS PROBABLY KNOW KARATE,

ALRIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T JUST JUMP INTO

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE

TO ENROLL THE ENTIRE 10th

MOUNTED DIVISION IN KARATE CLASS

IN EVERY CRAPPY STRIP MALL IN

EVERY CRAPPY TOWN IN NEW JERSEY?

WE WOULD HAVE TO FLY MR. MIIAGI

INTO THE 82nd AIRBORNE AND TEACH

HIM HOW TO WAX ON AND WAX OFF

AND ALL THE FANCY MOVES AND

UH...

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

TERRORISM, YOU KNOW,

THE TERRORISM IS OBVIOUSLY ON

EVERYONE'S MIND.

THE OTHER DAY MY SON SAYS TO ME

"DADDY, HOW COME THE BAD MEN

HATE US?

HOW COME THE BAD MEN HATE US?"

HOW SAD IS THAT?

I ACTUALLY GOT TEARS IN MY EYES

'CAUSE HE'S 18.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND OF A MORON AM I

RAISING?

I SAID "I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY

HATE US, DUMMY, WHY DON'T YOU

READ THE PAPER AND FORM YOUR OWN

OPINIONS."

HE'S NOT GONNA READ THE PAPER.

AMERICANS WE DON'T READ THE

PAPER.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN

OTHER COUNTRIES.

I WAS TALKING TO THIS ARAB GUY

THE OTHER DAY AND HE SAID,

WHY DO THE AMERICANS ALWAYS

SUPPORT THE ISRAELIS?

HE SAID IT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE

IN AMERICA ALL THE JEWS HAVE THE

MONEY AND THEY CONTROL THE

MEDIA.

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS AND PARANOID

AND REALLY ONLY PART OF IT.

AMERICANS DON'T REALLY

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON

BETWEEN THE ISRAELIS AND

PALESTINIANS, SO BASICALLY

AMERICANS SUPPORT THE ISRAELIS

FOR ONE REASON BECAUSE THE

ISRAELIS NEVER DO THIS

[INDIAN CHANTING NOISES].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S REALLY IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S NOT THE MOST

SOPHISTICATED WORLD VIEW

BUT THAT PRETTY MUCH IT.

AND THE AVERAGE AMERICANS LIKE

"MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING

ON OVER THERE BUT I KNOW I DON'T

LIKE THAT.

I KNOW THAT.

I'M GOING WITH THE TEAM THAT

DON'T DO THAT.

THAT I DON'T LIKE."

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE I'M NOT CHANGING GEARS

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