Patton Oswalt - Friends in Your Thirties

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain Season 1, Ep 0101 12/05/2004 Views: 10,645

All of Patton Oswalt’s friends are either having babies or getting sober, and he thinks they’re equally irritating. (3:21)

MY REALITY SUCKS NOW.

I'M 35-YEARS OLD.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE EITHER HAVING

BABIES OR GETTING SOBER.

AND THEY'RE EQUALLY ANNOYING.

THEY'RE EQUALLY ANNOYING.

THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE IN THE--

OKAY PEOPLE THAT ARE GETTING

SOBER-- AND GOD BLESS THEM

THEY'RE GETTING SOBER,

SO I AM TRYING--

THEY ALWAYS GET TO THAT PART OF

THE SOBRIETY--

THE TWELVE STEP WHERE THEY'VE

GOTTA GO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE

THAT THEY WERE EVER MEAN TO.

SO, YOU'RE IN SOME HOT 7-11

PARKING LOT JUST TRYING TO GO

HOME AND SOMEONE YOU BARELY

REMEMBER GETS UP IN YOUR FACE

AND IS LIKE "OH, HEY, PATTON.

YEAH, UM...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR

EIGHT MONTHS NOW, AND SO,

I JUST WANNA APOLOGIZE FOR--

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER

WE WERE AT A PARTY 11 YEARS AGO

AND YOU SAID THAT YOU THOUGHT

SCORSESE WAS A BETTER FILM MAKER

THAN COPPOLLA AND I WENT...

SO, I JUST REALLY WANT TO

APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.

THAT WAS WRONG.

BECAUSE, MY DAD NEVER HUGGED ME

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP."

AND THEN YOU GOTTA HEAR THEIR

WHOLE STORY.

AND I GET SO ANGRY WHEN THEY

DON'T HAVE ANYTHING COOL TO

TELL ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR,

THAT I'LL JUST MAKE UP STUFF

THAT THEY DID, AND JUST ASSUME

THEY WERE A BLACKOUT DRUNK AND

THEY YOU KNOW, JUST SHOVE THEM

INTO 20 MORE MEETINGS.

AND LIKE-- AND LIKE, "HEY,

THANKS FOR APOLOGIZING FOR THAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE TIME WHEN YOU

PISSED ON MY MOM'S FACE AT HER

FUNERAL?

AND HE GOES, "I DON'T--

I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THAT."

OF COURSE YOU DON'T, YOU WERE

HAMMERED, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"OH, GOD."

AND, THEY GOTTA GO TO LIKE 50

MEETINGS IN A WEEK, YOU KNOW.

MY MOM'S STILL ALIVE.

TEE HEE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND, THEN BABIES--

PEOPLE COME UP TO ME--

PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY JUST TO

WALK UP TO ME HOLDING A BABY--

LIKE THAT'S COOL.

"LOOK AT THIS A LITTLE BABY.

AND A BABY, IF YOU REALLY

BREAK IT DOWN LOGICALLY,

IT IS A TINY HUMAN BEING AND

IT'S SHIRTLESS, WHICH IS REALLY

CREEPY.

IT'S A SHIRTLESS, BALD HUMAN

BEING WITH A BAG OF ITS OWN CRAP

AROUND ITS WAIST.

HOW HORRIFYING IS THAT?

TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A

SECOND.

A PERSON LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU WERE LIKE WALKING ON

THE STREET AND SOME HOMELESS

GUY RAN UP WITH A BAG OF CRAP,

"HEY, WOOO."

YOU'D GO LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL'S

WRONG WITH THAT GUY?"

AND YOU'D RUN AWAY FROM HIM.

BUT A BABY IS A BAG OF CRAP THAT

CAN MAKE NOISE AND GRAB STUFF,

AND RUIN MOVIES ON TOP OF BEING

A BAG OF CRAP.

AND EVERYONE IS "OH, THAT'S

WONDERFUL."

"THAT'S WONDERFUL.

YOU HAD A BABY."

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE ME THAT

HAVE LEARNED HOW TO CONTROL

THEY'RE DRINKING AND ARE NOT

POLLUTING THE PLANET WITH KIDS?

DON'T I GET SOMETHING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYONE LIKE--

ALL THESE PEOPLE.

"HEY, I DECIDED TO GET SOBER."

OH, MY GOD, LET'S GIVE YOU A

PARADE.

"HEY, I SQUIRTED OUT A BABY."

LET'S BURN YOUR NAME ON THE

SURFACE OF THE MOON.

"HEY, I LEARNED HOW TO STOP AT

TWO SCOTCHES AND I DON'T HAVE

ANY MINIATURE VERSIONS OF MYSELF

RUINING THE PLANT."

NAH, WHATEVER.

WHAT?

I'M TEN TIMES BETTER THAN BOTH

THOSE GUYS.

[LAUGHTER]