Nick DiPaolo - Westchester

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 2,686

Nick doesn't miss the sights and sounds of New York City. (3:02)

I GOT TWO NIECES WHO DEVELOPED REAL EARLY.

I GOT 'EM BOTH SUPER SOAKERS FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

FAMILY'S ALL PISSED AT ME. I'M LIKE, "WHAT?

TITS LIKE THAT, THEY NEED PROTECTION." JESUS.

"YEAH, BUT 3 YEARS IN A ROW? COME ON, UNCLE NICK."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES, "HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON ME?" I GO, "NO."

SHE GOES, "YOU SWEARON YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE?"

- I GO, "WHAT IS SHE, LIKE 70?" - [LAUGHTER]

SHE DIDN'T TALK TO ME FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS AFTER THAT CRACK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE UP IN WESTCHESTER.

AND I MOVED OUT OF THE CITY, AND MY FRIENDS GO,

"AREN'T YOU GONNA MISS THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THE CITY?"

YOU KNOW WHAT DROVE ME OUT OF THE CITY? THE CAR ALARMS.

COULD THEY MAKE THOSE THINGS MORE SENSITIVE?

[BLEEP]-- DUCK FARTS IN MONTREAL,

THESE THINGS ARE GOING OFF IN FRONT OF MY BUILDING.

MY WIFE'S LIKE, "IS SOMEBODY STEALING A CAR?"

"EITHER THAT OR A MALLET, HAVE SOME CHILI IN FRONT OF THE MOLSON CENTER.

- "I'M NOT SURE. I-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"AND THE MISTER SOFTY TRUCKS, THE ICE CREAM TRUCKS NEED

58 INCH WOOFERS TO PLAY'PUFF GOES THE WEASEL'FOR 6 AND-A-HALF HOURS?"

♪ DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA! ♪

[LAUGHTER]

I GO OUT FOR A CREAMSICLE, YOU KNOW I'M ON THE PHONE

WITH PEOPLE FROM MIRACLE EAR FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

"CAN YOU SPEAK UP? I JUST GOT MY NIECE A CREAMSICLE,

- I CAN'T HEAR [BLEEP]. HELLO?" - [LAUGHTER]

I LIKE THE HOUSE. AT THE CLOSING,

THE PEOPLE-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

WHO SOLD US THE HOUSE TOLD US THAT THERE'S

A GHOST IN THE HOUSE. TRUE STORY.

SO MY WIFE HIRES A CATHOLIC PRIEST TO BLESS THE HOUSE,

THINKING IT'S GONNA SCARE THE GHOST.

WHICH IS ONLY GONNA WORK IF THE GHOST IS A 10 YEAR-OLD BOY

- IN A TIGHT BATHING SUIT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNEW THAT WOULD WORK.[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

THE PRIEST COMES IN,HE'S THROWING HOLY WATERALL OVER MY HOUSE.

I'M LIKE "THESE ARE THE ORIGINAL HARDWOOD FLOORS, ASS-[BLEEP].

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" HE'S LIKE, "MUST HAVE SOME MURPHY'S OIL,

DON'T YA, FATHER FLANAGAN?I'M SURE YOU DO."

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE IT UP THERE IN WESTCHESTER.

THEY THINK I'M PUERTO RICAN, THE JEWS ARE ALL CONFUSED.

IT'S HILARIOUS. I'M DRIVING 'EM--

I WAKE UP THERE'S DEER IN MY DRIVEWAY AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHY DO PEOPLE GO HUNTING?

MY COUSIN GOES TO MAINE.HE STANDS IN THE WOODS,

FREEZES HIS NUTS OFF FOR THREE WEEKS;

COMES BACK WITH NOTHING. I COULD WANDER IN MY BACKYARD

IN MY UNDERWEARWITH A DRY CLEANING BAGAND A PIECE OF ROPE

AND SUFFOCATE TEN OF THESE [BLEEP] THINGS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE,

"HOW COULD YOU KILL A DEER?" AND NOW I'M CHASING 'EM NAKED

WITH A CLAW HAMMER IN MY NEIGHBOR'S YARD.

THEY EAT YOUR PROPERTY AND STUFF.

MY NEIGHBORS, YOU KNOWWHAT THEY TOLD ME TO DO?

PUT HOT SAUCE ON YOUR SHRUBS AND BUSHES

TO KEEP 'EMFROM EATING YOUR STUFF.NOW I GOT A NEW PROBLEM,

MY MEXICAN GARDENER'S EATING MY LILIES.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

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