Lenny Clarke - The Truth

Lenny Clarke & Mark Pitta Season 1, Ep 0101 02/24/1992 Views: 783

Parents lie to their kids. (1:50)

MY WIFE WANTS TO HAVE KIDS NOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING,"OH, COME ON."

I MEAN, I LOVE CHILDREN,BUT BRING THEM INTO THIS WORLD?

IS THAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

AND IF WE DO BRING THEM IN

SHOULD WE TELL THEMHOW BAD THE PLANET IS

ABOUT THE OZONE AND EVERYTHING?

DO YOU KNOW THAT THE AIR HEREIN LOS ANGELES IS SO BAD

THAT THE KIDS IN THISPART OF THE WORLD HAVE

A THIRD LESS LUNG CAPACITY?

ARE YOU AWARE OF THIS?

HAVE YOU BEEN TOA KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?

THEY CAN'T EVEN BLOWOUT THE CANDLES.

THEY GO, "AW, THE HELL WITH IT."

"YOU KNOW MY BOY, WHEEZER.

HE'S GOING TO RUN THE TEN-YARDDASH IN THE NEXT OLYMPICS."

BUT MY PARENTS WERE WONDERFULPEOPLE, BUT THEY LIED TO ME.

THEY SAID THINGS LIKE, "YOU CANBE WHATEVER YOU WANT IN LIFE."

DID YOUR FOLKSEVER TELL YOU THAT?

LYING-- NICE PEOPLE, BUT LIARS.

EXCEPT DAN QUAYLE'S PARENTS,THEY WEREN'T LYING.

BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IN LIFE?

MY GOD, YOU KNOWWHAT I WANTED TO BE?

I WANTED TO BE A BANKER.

ANY BANKERS HERE?

NO, THEY'RE NEVER OUT.

BANKERS ARE HOMECOUNTING YOUR MONEY.

THIS IS THE JOB I WANTED.

I WANTED TO BE IN THE BIG BANK

WITH THE BIG CIGAR,WAY IN THE BACK.

PEOPLE COME IN,"CAN WE HAVE A LOAN?"

AND I GO, "NO, SCREW,GET OUT, NEXT."

BUT ALL THOSE JOBS WERE TAKEN.

AND I BECAME A COMEDIAN FORONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY--

I SUCK AT MATH.

I FIGURED, HEY, YOU HADTO BE GOOD AT MATH

TO BE A BANKER, RIGHT?

WRONG! HAVE YOU SEENTHIS S&L CRISIS?

( laughter )

IT'S GOING TO COST US$200 BILLION, $300 BILLION

MAKE IT $600 BILLION.

WE DON'T GIVE A S--T.

NONE OF THAT MONEY WAS OURS.

ANY OF YOU PEOPLE AFFECTEDBY THE S&L CRISIS?

NO, THESE WERE ALL THE PEOPLEWHO WERE DOING BETTER THAN US

SAYING, "OH, I GOT THIS,I GOT A NEW HOUSE..."

YOU GOT NOTHING NOW-- GETAT THE BACK OF THE LINE.

ME? I'VE ALWAYS WANTEDTO BE RICH AND FAMOUS.

THE ONLY THING HOLDING MEBACK IS THE MONEY

BUT I SAID, "I'M NOT GOINGTO LET THAT STOP ME."

AND THEN WHENI THOUGHT ABOUT IT--