I want to share with yousomething
I really enjoyedwatching yesterday--
the swearing inof America's 115th Congress.
Now, I was excited becausethis was my first new congress.
You know,usually I buy them used.
-Much better deal.-(laughter)
And I had no ideawhat the ceremony would look.
Like, I didn't knowif it would be an American thing
that's completely differentto everywhere in the world,
or would it be something similar
to how we open our governmentback in South Africa.
And I know what some of youare thinking right now.
You're like, "Oh, Trevor, I betyou guys have some, like,
"crazy African ceremony whereyour leaders are introduced
"by, like, a dude wearingleopard skin
-and holding a spear."-(laughter)
Well, you know what?Guess what, asshole.
(speaking foreign language)
you know what's...can I tell you what's not cool?
What's not cool is, earlier,one of my writers, Dan McCoy,
he wrote a joke like that.
He was like, "Oh, yeah,"he's like, "Oh, South Africa's
swearing-in probably looked likeit was from Coming to America."
And he, like,thought that was a joke.
And then... and then I read it,and I was like, "This is real."
But the other stuff is not real.
Uh, so as it is,Congress' swearing-in ceremony,
it isn't very exciting.
It's basically just Speaker Ryan
and outgoingVice President Joe Biden
taking pictures withthe incoming class of 2017.
And honestly,you know what gets me
is that there's so much fanfare
around representativesbeing sworn in,
but when they leave office,
they just getto slink out the back door.
Which I don't think is fair.
Yeah, especiallybecause of how (bleep)
Congress has been recently.
There should bea swearing-out ceremony.
-(applause, whooping)-That's what there should be.
We all see you coming in,but nobody sees you going.
There should be a swearing...in fact, there should be
a cussing-out ceremony,that's what it should be.
It should be like,"You filibustered
on military spending--get yo' ass out of here!"
"Dragging your heelson Zika funding?
Why don't you drag your punk assto the curb!"
"Couldn't get a vote onthe Trans-Pacific Partnership?
"Blockinga Supreme Court nominee?
"Time to get your no-good,bill-stopping,
"partisan-hacking,double-dealing ass out of here!
-(cheering, applause)-"Get out of here!
"That's some bull (bleep)!Get out of here!
"Yeah! Get out of here, and getinto that cushy lobbying job
that you're probably gonna getafter this."
Man, it's not as effective
when they get a better jobafterwards. Aw.
But I get why congresspeopleare excited, you know.
Because being electedis still a huge achievement.
In some cases, it's thefulfillment of a lifelong dream.
And that's why I'm surethat first-term congressman,
Roger Marshall of Kansas,he couldn't have been prouder
when his son...
decided to honor his father'stremendous achievement
with a background dab.
I just love...he's in that picture.
And Paul Ryan's like,"Hey, hey!"
You know, I got to say, though,kudos to Paul Ryan
finally showing some backbone,you know?
Just, he shut downthat 17-year-old kid.
I mean, people saidhe couldn't stand up to Trump,
and he can't, but this is a goodstart, this is a good start.
Yeah. Now, if you're like me,one of the highlights
of every swearing-in ceremonyis when Vice President Joe Biden
gets handsy with family membersof the people.
You see? Look at this. This is,like, oh, oh, here it comes.
Look at this. Here comes the...here comes the grope train.
Choo-choo. Look at that. Oh...
Look at that woman's face.
Look at her face!
Now, you tell me what's weirder,that or leopard skin guy.
Yeah. Yeah. Because youcan judge me all you want,
but we don't have none of that.
For more groping analysis,let's turn now
to our seniorinappropriate correspondent,
-Michelle Wolf, everybody!-(cheering, applause)
I'm sorry, at some pointyou have to admit
that this is creepy behavior.
Oh, come on, Trevor,Joe Biden isn't creepy.
He's like that auntthat open-mouth kisses you
on the holidays.
Do you like it?
No. But it's just not Christmas
without the tasteof cigarettes and ham.
-(Noah groans, laughs)-(laughter)
And, you know,maybe I'm a little desensitized
because I ride the subwayin New York,
but as long as I haven't seenor heard his penis,
to me, he's being a gentleman.
I'm sorry,did you say "heard" his penis?
Yeah. There's a sound.
Anyway, Joe Biden isn't a creep.
I mean, just look at the way
he caresses this woman's face.
There's only two reasonssomeone would caress
your face this way--
they either love you a lot,or they want to wear your skin.
And I really don't think JoeBiden wants to wear your skin.
Michelle, are you being seriousright now?
-This doesn't bother you at all?-No. What bothered me was
the man needs to come upsome new material.
My dad used to sayyou got one job.
I have a beautiful sister likeyou got, I swear to God,
he used to say you got one job,
keep the guys awayfrom your sister.
You know, my dad used to sayI had one job.
My dad used to say one job.
Keep the guys awayfrom your sisters.
Keep the boys awayfrom your sisters.
That's the job.
And based on how much Joewas touching them,
they weren't doing the job.
By the way, boys wouldn't haveto protect their sisters
if they'd all stop being so(bleep) to every woman
that isn't their sister.
-I mean...-(cheers and applause)
How about instead of teachingboys to protect women,
we just teach boysto be better boys?
(cheers and applause)
-And that's all men clapping.-(Trevor laughing)
I mean, that's like saying we'renever gonna stop spilling oil,
so let's just put rain coatson all our seals.
That looks really cute.We should do that.
Okay, I feel like,
I feel likewe're getting off topic.
Joe Biden, like, why is whatJoe Biden's doing okay?
Okay, okay. It's,it is not okay.
It is a little bitinappropriate.
It's like he was playinga game of Twister
and it kept landing on,"right hand, lady's hip."
But here's the thing,
he passed the ViolenceAgainst Women's Act,
which is a landmarkanti-domestic violence bill.
It established a nationaldomestic violence hotline,
and funded police unitsfocused on sex crimes.
The man basically founded Law & Order: SVU.
That's got to be worth at leasta boob grab.
Come on. It's tit for tat.
Oh, in this case, tat for tit.
Hell, Joe Biden, I don't care,
you can even grab one of mine,if you can find them.
What does that even mean?
Michelle Wolf, everybody.