Daniel Tosh - Stop Having Kids

Daniel Tosh: People Pleaser Season 1, Ep 1 04/17/2016 Views: 8,444

Daniel Tosh details all the reasons why people should refrain from having kids and lists the consequences of raising too many children. (2:18)

Would you like me to fix

all the environmental problemson the planet?

I can do it.The solution's simple.

You won't help.That's the real problem.

Stop having kids.

[cheers and applause]

You hear that?That's not enough support.

That's why we haveto contaminate the water.

Because most of youare not on board yet.

But that's allthat has to happen.

Just stop having kids

and then we can havethe greatest party

for the next 60 to 70 years

just pissing throughall the natural resources.

It would be amazing.

But what happens?Some of you, you get fed up.

You're like,"Uh, I hate my life.

You try."[sputtering]

[laughs]"Look, it looks like me."

Selfish.

That's what I thinkof your families...

selfish.

China has the right idea.

They're the smartest peopleon the planet.

If they thinkboys are more important

and two should be the cap,good enough for me.

We have a TV showin our country

called "19 and Counting."

That show should be called"Wrecked Pussy."

Shocking that one of those kidsturned out to be a bad egg.

You mean you can'tkeep your eye on 19 children?

You can't be a good parentto three kids.

Do you knowhow I know that?

Because my parentshad four.

What are you gonna dowhen one of them asks,

"Who do you love more?"

"I love you all the same."

"Oh, really,a 19-way tie?

[bleep] you, Mom."

And you deservethat kind of language.

You can't sella 19-way tie to anyone.

You're gonna have to be honestwith those kids.

Like, "All right,let's see.

"One of you's a predator,so you're out.

"Not even surethese three are mine anymore.

"No idea why the ginger'sstaring at me.

"You have no shot.

"What, you think I enjoy dunkingyou in a tub of sun block

"just to bring you outside,you mutant?

"What is your X-Men powerbesides killing every boner

in every roomyou walk into?"

I tease, redheads.

You're just as prettyas prettier people.

The reason so many peoplein this country