Not too long ago I woke up,and I was in my bed.
I'm, like, all right, well yougot nothing to do today.
Why not just spend the daythinking you have cancer?
And I had symptoms of something.
I had these tinglingin my hands,
and my feet were tingling.
So, I'm, like, I better Googlethis shit.
And any time you Googlesymptoms, know in your heart
that all you're doing is lookingto confirm that you're dying.
That's all you're heading for.
So, I start Googling"hands tingling,"
and I'm, like,I got a brain tumor.
So, I call my doctor up,my regular doctor,
and I'm, like, I'm in trouble.
My hands are tingling,my feet are tingling.
I'm pretty sure I probablyhave cancer in my brain, right?
And she's, like, what?
I'm, like, my hands and feet
are tingling,what else could that be?
And she's, like, nothing.It could be nothing.
And I'm, like, but I want to seea neurologist because I think,
I'm pretty sureI have a brain tumor.
I Googled it,and it seemed to add up.
She's, like, I'm not sending youto a neurologist, all right?
You come back in two weeksand if this is still happening
I'll think about sending youto a neurologist.
I'm thinking, like, oh, it'sgonna be happening in two weeks.
I'll make sure of that.
So, I go back two weeks laterand go, it's happening.
We're on with the cancer.
And she's, like, I don't thinkit's anything,
but I'll send youto a neurologist.
I'm, like, thank you.
So, I make an appointmentat the neurologist.
This guy was--this was insane.
So, I walkinto this neurologist.
He's about 80.I'm not saying that's bad.
I'm not an ageist,but he looked over it.
There's nothing worsethan going to a doctor
and they're, like, bleh, what?
So, I walk in to this guyand I say,
you know, my hands are tinglingand my feet are tingling.
And I think I'm in trouble.
Swear to you, the guy grabsone of my hands
and he presses his thumb into it
and he goes,that one's all right.
And then he, like,he does the same thing
to the other one.And he goes those are fine.
I'm, like,are you even a real doctor?
And I go what about the feet?
He goes, take your shoesand socks off.
I take my shoesand socks off--takes a pencil,
and rubs the eraser endat the bottom of my foot
and goes, that one's fine.
I'm, like, are you kidding me?
I'm, like,what kind of tests are these?
I want to see a diploma.
And then I go what about my ear?
My ear's clogging up.He goes, oh, we should probably
get you an MRI,and I'm, like, thank you.
That's all I was looking for,was the opportunity
to have an MRI.
So I go to the MRI place.
Have you had an MRI?
The machine takes upthe whole room.
It's huge.Big, arcing thing.
Got a hole in the middlewith a gurney.
It's such a great machine,
an amazing piece of technology,that the guy that operates it,
he's got to sit in a booth,like, away from it,
and do the controls,like he's NASA,
you know, for the MRI machine.
So, this amazing pieceof technology,
the guy comes out of his booth,
he lays me out,he straps me down or whatever.
He lays me on the gurneyand he slides me in
and he goes back to his boothand within 10 seconds
it starts goingdun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun!
And I'm, like,what the hell is that?
Does it need oil?
What kind of machinemakes that noise?
Then it's, like,nin-nin-nin-nin.
I'm, like, what kindof bullshit machine is this?
Is there a guy in thereoperating it?
I literally--when I was in that machine
I had a fantasy at the endof the day, a little person
walked out and went,that was a rough day.
You're, like,he was in there doing something.
So, I don't know what the hellwas going on with the machine.
I could Google thatinstead of cancer
and I'd know what was going onin the machine,
but I like the idea ofa little man working in there.
So, I left it at that.
So, the guy--
I'm in there 45 minutes,and the guy pulls me
out of the machine and goes,you did real good in there.
I'm, like, well, there's a skillI didn't know I had.
I can exist in a tubefor up to an hour.
If I ever need that.
So, now I'm face-to-facewith this dude, this technician,
and I go sodid you see the results?
And he goes, yeah,I'm the technician.
I saw them.
And I'm, like, well, what's up?
He's, like, I'm not a doctor.I can't tell you that.
And I'm, like, I'm lookinghim right in the eye,
and I'm, like, but you know.
You're looking meright in the eye.
You know if I have a tumorin my brain.
You know if I'm dying right now
and you're not gonna[bleep] tell me?
You're not gonna[bleep] tell me,
but you know if I'm dyingor not?
But I didn't say that.I probably said, oh, okay.
So, I swear this happened.
I'm about to leave the MRI roomand he goes,
"Take care of yourself."
I don't know how he talks.
All I heard was,
"Good luck with the cancer."
So, now I'm freaking out.
I need to know nowwhether or not
I got brain cancer,
'causeI plan to start drinking again.
So, I wait there for a half hourand he gives me the results.
I drive them to my doctor'soffice that afternoon,
and I'm, like,hi, can he look at these now?
And she's, like, he'll lookat them between 3:00 and 6:00.
I'm, like, what is he?The [bleep] cable guy?
This guy can't--you can't focus in on a time
and I got to waittill the end of the day?
So, then the guycalls me, like, at 6:00.
He's, like, hello, Marc.This is Dr. Rosen.
And I'm, like, hi, what's up?
He goes, well,I looked at your MRI results.
And I'm, like, uh-huh?
And he goes,
"You have a normal brainfor a man your age."
So, good news, but a littlestick, you know what I mean?
no cancer,but I'm not gifted in any way.
But even after he told meall that stuff, like,
he wasn't clear enough with me.
'Cause he's, like, all right,so, if you need anything
that I can help you with,please call me back,
and I go, thank you very much.And I'm, like, wait!
No tumors, right?There were no tumors?
As if he's going to go,oh, shit,
I didn't mention that?Yeah--
Yeah, your brain's fullof tumors.
Good luck with that.