Todd Barry - Crazy Masturbation

  • Season 2 , Ep 10
  • 07/23/1999
  • Views: 10,838

Todd Barry has traveled and masturbated a lot. (2:38)

PEOPLE GET CHATTYIN PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I WAS STANDING AT A URINALRECENTLY.

THE GUY NEXT TO ME STARTSA MID-STREAM CONVERSATION.

HE'S STANDING THERE.HE'S LIKE...

( making whizzing noise )

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

"WHEW!

TOO MUCH DIET PEPSI AT DINNER."

AND IT WAS AWKWARD, YOU KNOW

BECAUSE I WAS JUST ABOUTTO ASK HIM

"HEY, BUDDY, WHAT BEVERAGEBROUGHT YOU IN HERE TODAY?"

MY FAVORITE MEN'S ROOMICEBREAKER...

TOTALLY SHOT DOWN.

KILLING THE SOCIAL EVENTOF THE '90s FOR ME.

I WENT OUT ON A FIRST DATERECENTLY.

I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON:

IF YOU'RE OUT ON A FIRST DATE

AND YOU'RE AT THE MOVIESAND A LOVE SCENE COMES ON

DON'T TURN TO YOUR DATE AND GO,"BABY, THAT'S US IN TWO HOURS."

'CAUSE I WENT TO BED ALONETHAT NIGHT...

AND IT WAS A DIFFERENT KINDOF LOVE SCENE.

THAT WAS THE FIRST OF TWOSCHEDULED MASTURBATION JOKES.

SOME GUYS GO CRAZYWITH THE MASTURBATION.

I WAS READING THIS ARTICLEON THIS THING

"AUTOEROTICA ASPHYXIATION"?

SOME GUYS ACTUALLY CHOKETHEMSELVES WITH A BELT

WHILE THEY'RE DOING IT.

I READ, LIKE, 800 MEN A YEAR DIEFROM DOING THIS.

I WAS, LIKE, "NO WAY, NOT 800."

THEN I REMEMBERED HOW MANY TIMESI'VE NEARLY KILLED MYSELF...

WITH JUST CONVENTIONALMASTURBATION.

JUST REGULAR OLDMEAT-AND-POTATOES...

MOM-AND-POP...

MISSIONARY POSITION...

MASTURBATION HAS ALMOST SENT ME

TO THAT LONELY LITTLE RAMADA INNROOM IN THE SKY.

I TRAVEL A LOT.

I'VE MASTURBATEDAT EVERY HOTEL CHAIN

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

RAMADA INNS...

ARE THE BEST HOTELSTO MASTURBATE IN.

AND NO, I'M NOT BEING PAIDTO SAY THAT.

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