Tom Segura - Meeting Bruce Bruce - Uncensored

Travel 03/12/2015 Views: 8,382

Tom Segura runs into fellow comic Bruce Bruce on a flight and finds out that he has a very particular taste in comedy. (6:40)

[cheers and applause]

(Tom)All right.

I don't know if you guysknow this or not,

but comedians' livesare lonely.

It's a lonely existence.

I mean,you're in airports and hotels

and cities with strangersevery week.

It gets lonely.Like, it really does.

Like, you can only masturbate,like,

so many timesbefore you're like,

"I've got to get somethingto eat," you know?

Like...

it's one of those things.

You've got to find somethingto boost you up.

You know what'sthe biggest boost?

The biggest sparkwhen you're on the road

is actually running intoanother comedian.

It's the best.

I can't even describe it to you.

It's the one thingthat you're like, "Yes."

If it's a comedianyou already know,

it's like a reunion.

And if it's a comedianyou've never met,

"There's so much excitementat the potential."

You're,"Oh, is he gonna be weird?

"Is he gonna be hilarious?

Is it gonna be hilarioushow weird he is?"

But there's so much there.

You know, it's how I imagineserial killer feel

when they meet each otherthe first time.

They're like, "You know,you do it differently

"than the way I do it,but I totally respect

"your commitment to the craft.

"Like,you keep their toes in jars.

That's nuts.That's awesome."

So I'm at the airport,

and I'm waiting to boarda flight,

and who do I see at the gate

boarding the same flight?

The comedian Bruce Bruce.

Now, if you don't knowwho Bruce Bruce is,

super successful comic,had TV shows.

He sells out clubsand theaters everywhere.

He's awesome.

And I've never met him.

I see him at the gate,and I'm like,

"I'm gonna go talkto Bruce Bruce."

And then I go,"No, you're not.

Bruce Bruce doesn't wantto talk to you."

[laughter]

So I don't say anything.

And then we board the flight,and I get upgraded.

Whoop-whoop,upgraded,

and now, who is sitting directlyacross the aisle from me?

Bruce Bruce.

Now I can't help myself.

Now I have to say something.

So I introduced myselfto Bruce Bruce.

Now, for this to reallymake sense to you,

if you don't know who he is,I have to paint a picture, okay?

Bruce Bruce is black,he has dreads,

and he's a big boy,all right?

Like,when you say your name twice,

there's a lot of you.

[laughter]

Bruce Bruce is, like,4 bills, okay?

So...

I made name myself Tom Tomif I gain another 100 pounds.

So...

[laughter]

I'm sitting across the aislefrom Bruce Bruce,

and I introduce myself,and he could not be nicer.

Just to give you an ideaof his status,

we're at the gate on this plane,

and the flight attendantannounces

that we're stuck at the gate,and she says,

"You can get offif you want to.

"Just take your boarding passwith you.

And then you can get back on."

So as I'm talking to himand they say that, I go,

"I'm not getting off,"and he goes,

"I'm not getting off,"and then a woman,

a passenger from the backof the plane walks up.

and she leans down to him,and she goes,

"I'm getting off ; is thereanything you want or need?"

And he goes,"I would love some candy."

And she goes,"Candy?"

And he goes, "Twix, Skittles,shit like that."

[laughter]

And then she gets off the plane,and I go, "Who is that?"

And he goes,"I don't know."

[laughter]

And I'm like, "Are strangersbuying you candy?"

And he goes, "Yeah."

[laughter]

Like, that's Bruce Bruce status,okay?

So we keep talking.

We kind of start talkingabout gigs that we've done,

and we start talkingabout comedians and who's funny.

Who arethe funniest comics ever?

And we start literally listingcomedians through time.

Like, we start with, like,Lenny Bruce and Dick Gregory,

and we talked about GeorgeCarlin and Richard Pryor,

all the way through Eddie Murphyand into today, you know,

Kevin Hart and Dave Attell.

And then Kevin Bruce Bruce says,"That's all good,

but do you know who the funniestcat of all time is?"

Now,I think it's a setup.

I think he's just gonna be like,"It's me, bitch.

I'm the funni"--like, it's like that, right?

That's what I thinkit's gonna be.

And I'm gonna let him have it.

So I go, "No," like, "Who'sthe funniest cat of all time."

And he goes Andy Griffith.

And I go, "What?"

[laughter]

And he goes,"Andy Griffith."

And I go,"Are you talking about, like..."

[whistles]

"That dude?"

And he goes,"Yeah, you ever been to

the Andy Griffith Museumbefore?"

And I go,"What kind of question is that?

No, of course not, man, like...

Is that real?"

And he goes,"Real?

"They have the carthat he used to sit in,

"and you can sit in it too.

And you can touch shitthat he used to touch."

[laughter]

And he goes,"Did you ever see episode 215

of The Andy Griffith Show?"

And I go, "No, ass burgers,I didn't see episode 215."

[laughter]

And he goes,"That's my favorite episode.

It originally airedMarch 13, 1967."

And I go, "Are you [bleep]ingwith me right now?"

[laughter]

And he goes...

"No, it was March 13, 1967."

[laughter]

And then he ate Twix,

and he didn't talk to mefor the rest of the flight,

but I am begging you,

if you ever see Bruce Bruceanywhere,

walking around, sitting downat a show, anywhere,

just go and be, "Hey, man,Andy Griffith is the shit,"

and he'll be like,"I know!

I've been saying that shit!"

And he'll lose his mind.

That's it for me.You guys are the best.

[cheers and applause]