Laura Kightlinger - How to Be a Stand-up Comedian

  • Season 7, Ep 8
  • 03/27/2003
  • Views: 6,903

Laura Kightlinger has a patented program for funny. (4:09)

TONIGHT.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW A LOT OF

PEOPLE THINK WHAT I DO IS

DIFFICULT.

AND AT THE RISK OF RUINING

MY OWN MYSTIQUE I'M GONNA JUST

BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA SHARE WITH YOU THE

FIRST THREE STEPS OF MY PATENTED

SYSTEM OF COMEDY, OF HOW TO BE

A STAND-UP, CALLED "10 STEPS

TO FUNNY".

AND THIS IS HOW YOU CAN ALL BE

A STAND-UP IF YOU WANT TO.

I'M JUST GONNA SHOW YOU HOW YOU

DO IT.

OKAY, NOW, FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS

WHAT I DO.

STEP NUMBER ONE IS MENTAL

PREPARATION.

AND WHAT I DO BEFORE I HIT

THE STAGE, I CONCENTRATE ON THE

OBVIOUS SIMILARITIES BETWEEN

STAND-UP AND SEX.

SO, OKAY, THE MIKE IS SHAPED

LIKE A PENIS.

NOW, WHEN I COME OUT HERE

AND I TAKE THE MIKE IT'S LIKE

GRABBING A PENIS.

AND FOR THE FIRST FEW SECONDS,

YOU KNOW, I FEEL SEXY AND

IN CONTROL.

AND THEN THAT FEELING IS QUICKLY

REPLACED BY, "AH, (BLEEP),

HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

STEP TWO: TELLING JOKES.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY TO ME,

"LAURA, I'M NOT ONLY HUMORLESS,

I'M DUMB, TOO."

NOW, HOW AM I GOING TO COME UP

WITH SOMETHING FUNNY TO SAY?"

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BECAUSE,

REMEMBER, IF IT SOUNDS FUNNY,

IT IS FUNNY.

NOW, I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP

FOR OVER A DECADE AND I'VE

WRITTEN FOUR, MAYBE FIVE JOKES.

BECAUSE--

(APPLAUSE)

I WANT--

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY BUST A NUT WHEN YOU HAVE

SOMETHING CALLED A NEWSPAPER?

THANKS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU JUST PICK UP A NEWSPAPER,

FIND A HEADLINE AND RIFF ON IT.

OKAY?

SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.

ALL RIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE,

ALL RIGHT, "IRAQ HAS NOT

PROVIDED ACCURATE INFORMATION

ON SHORT-RANGE ROCKET."

TELL ME ABOUT IT, AM I RIGHT,

LADIES?

THEY THINK THREE INCHES IS THIS.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THESE

GUYS, LADIES?

OKAY AND YOU CHECK IN WITH

THE LADIES AND THE MEN IN THE

AUDIENCE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

"BUSH DOESN'T DELIVER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THIS ONE DOES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PIPING HOT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR IN

30 MINUTES OR THE PIE'S ON ME.

SEE?

SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS?

YOU JUST LIKE TAKE SOMETHING

AND YOU RIFF ON IT.

NOW, WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT

INTERESTED IN CURRENT EVENTS,

THEN WHAT?

STEP THREE, YOU USE THE

AUDIENCE.

YOU MAKE THEM LAUGH AT

THEMSELVES, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

SO HOW MANY WHITE PEOPLE WE HAVE

IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHITE PEOPLE?

OH, WHITE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, YOU GUYS ARE COOL.

YOU'RE COOL BUT--

AND YOU'RE FRIENDLY UNTIL

I'M STANDING BEHIND YOU IN THE

ATM LINE AND THEN YOU'RE

ALL LIKE THINKING I'M GONNA BE

ROBBING YOU AND STEALING YOUR

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FUN AND EASY, ANYBODY CAN DO IT.

BUT WHY DO IT?

WHY, WHY DO STAND-UP?

TO GIVE, OKAY?

TO GIVE OF YOURSELF; THAT'S WHY

I DO IT.

AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT

STAND-UP IS SUCH A SELFLESS

PROFESSION.

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN ME AND A SURGEON OR A

PEDIATRICIAN IS THAT WHEN I

APPROACH A COUPLE WITH A CHILD

AND SAY, "I'D LIKE TO KEEP HIM

FOR A FEW DAYS AND DO SOME

BLOOD WORK," IT'S CONSIDERED

INAPPROPRIATE.

(LAUGHTER)

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