Amy Schumer - Baby Safety

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 56,965

In the middle of the night, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, a baby might look delicious. (3:10)

ON THE SUBWAYS LAST SUMMERFOR BABIES.

DID YOU SEE IT?NOT, LIKE, SELLING THEM,

BUT TAKING BETTER CARE OF THEM.

AND THERE WAS THIS ONE, ANDIT SAID, "NEVER SHAKE A BABY."

YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUNWITH THEM, YOU KNOW?"

OR, LIKE,"WHAT IF THEY'RE JUDGING YOU?"

THEY DIDN'T THINK IT THROUGH.

AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE,IT SAYS,

"IT'S SAFEST TO LET THEMSLEEP ALONE,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU DRINK,USE DRUGS, OR ARE OVERWEIGHT."

YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS WEIRD,TOO, BUT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IF YOU'RE DRUNK, STONED,OR REALLY FAT,

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,THAT BABY MIGHT LOOK DELICIOUS.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE EATEN WEIRDER THINGS.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU GUYS.

WHEN I'M DRUNK,THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PARTABOUT MY DRINKING IS?

WHEN I'M DRUNK, I SLUR.

YOU KNOW,LIKE I SAY RACIAL SLURS.

AND...WOW.

NOBODY LIKES THAT AT A BARBECUE.

BUT, UH...

NO, I'M TOTALLY NOT RACIST.

BUT I'M GETTINGA REALLY RACIST VIBE FROM YOU.

IS THAT...

JUST LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR LEASTFAVORITE ETHNICITY?

NO, DON'T ANSWER.ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T CAREFOR PAKISTANIS."

LET'S JUST KEEP THATTO YOURSELF.

NO, I'M NOT AT ALL.

MY BEST FRIENDIN THE WHOLE WORLD IS BLACK.

SHE'S A COMIC.

AND IT'S COOL 'CAUSE RIGHT NOWSHE'S TEACHING ME

HOW TO, LIKE, FREESTYLE RAP,

WHICH I'M ACTUALLYPRETTY GOOD AT.

AND I'M TEACHING HERHOW TO FREESTYLE SWIM, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "MARCO!"

SHE'S LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE MEANS!"

IT'S -- IT'S A WHOLE PROCESS,

BUT WE'RE HAVING FUN WITH IT,BUT...

NO, I COULDN'T BE LESS RACIST.

I MEAN, I WAS AT A PARTYTWO WEEKS AGO IN L.A.,

AND WHO WALKS INBUT MICHELLE KWAN.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN?ICE SKATER, OLYMPIAN, RIGHT?

OKAY.ACTUALLY, SHE KIND OF GLIDED IN.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OOH."

WE WERE ALL LIKE,"BITCH, WE KNEW YOU WERE COMING.

JUST, LIKE, CHILL OUT."

SHE'S, LIKE, CARRYING A TORCH.

WE WERE LIKE,"IT'S OVER, SEQUINS."

SO WE'RE TALKING.

SHE'S LIKE, "BLAH," LIKE, BORINGICE-SKATE CHATTER, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S TELLING ME, SHE'S LIKE,"IT'S SO HARD TO GET ICE TIME."

I'M LIKE,"YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SO REAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "PEOPLE HAVE NO ARMS,"AND SHE'S LIKE, "ICE TIME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO WE'RE TALKING, RIGHT?

AND OUT OF NOWHERE -- NOWHERE --

SHE TELLS METHAT OLIVER STONE --

YOU KNOW, THE DIRECTOR? --

SHE'S LIKE,"HE HAS THIS HUGE ASIAN FETISH,

AND I FIND ITTOTALLY OFFENSIVE."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY, KWAN?THAT SOUNDS AWESOME, YOU KNOW?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL,I'M OFFENDED BECAUSE I'M ASIAN."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,

"WELL, I'M SORRY,BUT I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DIDN'T.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST,LIKE, REALLY TIRED."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU'RE AWESOME.

ARE THE ASIAN PEOPLE --

ARE THE ASIAN PEOPLE LAUGHING?

I CAN NEVER TELL.Woman: WHOO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

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