Freddy Lockhart - Shaq Stand-Up

Season 2, Ep 0205 05/31/2007 Views: 3,668

Shaq is not only a great athlete, he's a great actor and musician. (5:21)

What is up, New York?How are we, good?

Good, good.

I got up at 3:00 p.m. today.

I'm the responsible guy.I did that.

I got up early today, 3:00 p.m.

I wanted to get it startedright; I do that.

I'm a comic-- you know,I work 20 minutes a day.

Then I sleep till 3:00 p.m.

but the worst part isI take naps,

which I have no business doing.

You know, the audacityto take a nap

when you sleep till 3:00 p.m.,

and then you take a napat 4:00 p.m.

I'll do that.

I love NBA basketball.

It's my favorite black showon television.

Never miss that.

It's a great show. I love it.

I love what they sayafter the game.

They usually blow us awaywith wisdom

like: Shaquille O'Neal,a spectacular game.

How do you feel?

Uh, basically, I try to goout there and get it done.

You know, I bounce a ballaround a couple times,

put the ball in the hoop,


Exquisitely put, Mr. O'Neal.

And I always loved Shaq,'cause Shaq's not just

a great athlete,he's a great actor.

1996's Kazaam moved me to tears;should've won the Oscar.

Great musician.

His last rap record soldseveral copies worldwide,

if you're lucky enough to getyour hands on one of those.

So it's like Shaq should bea standup comic.

So I do one impression, and I'lldo this one for you guys.

This is my impressionof Shaquille O'Neal

as a standup comedian.

Thank you.

You know, a lot of times,

when people see me doingstandup comedy

they be, like, "Shaq."and I be, like, "What?"

And they be, like,

"Shaq, do you do anyimpressionizations of anybody?"

And I tell them, yes, I do

a fewimpressionizations of people.

This first one be actorWill Smith

in every movie I see him in

'cause he always doesthe same damn thing, like this:

Pshh... Aha!


Yeah, you know!

Pshh... Aha!


You know?

Uncle Phil!

Pshh... Aha!

Thank you.

That be Will Smithin every movie I seen him in.

Can you dig that?

Right about now, I'd like to domy next impressionization.

This be my impressionizationof actor Morgan Freeman.

realizing somebody stolehis car

from the parking lotof the Sizzler restaurant.

I think it would go like this.


Well, that was some goodpopcorn shrimp.

I love me some popcorn shrimp.

Well, now hold on, damn it.

Where's my automobile?

I know I parked itright over yonder.

Ain't this some crap?

Anybody seen a 19 and 72Cadillac Eldorado?

Please, anybody?

With AM and FMcassette radio?

You people need to stop thislaughter instantaneously.

Now I'm up here tryingto ascertain the whereabouts

of my automobile,and y'all's carrying on

like some schoolgirls, damn it.

Bunch of low-rent...

You people don't know meup in here; I'm big-time.

Go home and Google me.

Been in movies with Ashley Judd,seen her naked.

What you gonna do?

Well, now, hold on.

You know something,I'm getting a little older now

and I forget thingsfrom time to time.

And it seems that I tooka taxicab here,

so I apologizefor all the crap-talking.

Go on about your business.

Thank you.

That be Morgan Freemanrealizing his car got stolen.

Can you dig it? Thank you.

Thank you.

Right about now, I'd like to domy next impressionization.

The be my impressionizationof actor Samuel L. Jackson

critiquing my previousimpressionization

of actor Morgan Freeman,and it goes like this.

Look, I'm all for (bleep)impression.

I love the (bleep).Hell, I eat it up.

But leave it to a dumbasslike Shaq to have Morgan Freeman

eating at the ...damn Sizzler

It don't make no ...damn sense.

(bleep) Last time I checked,he don't eat at the Sizzler.

And furthermore, what makes youthink he's gonna take a cab

to the ...damn Sizzler?


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

That's about enough outof Mr. Jackson's ass.

Right about now, I'd liketo do my last impressionization.

I be noticing that rapperand actor Ice T used to have

an album called Cop Killer.

And on television's Law & Order

he be playing a cop.

I find thatto be somewhat ironical.

Here goes an episodeof Law & Order

I done wrote with a pen,starring Ice T,

and it goes like this:

(imitates police radio static)

Yo, man, yo,check this out, man, yo.

Yo, one Roger nine, 3-84,sucker.

This is Officer T, man.

(lisping):Yo, I'm respondingto a possible...

possible code 21, man.

I just got some old mancalled, talk about

stole his Cadillacfrom the parking lot

of the Sizzler restaurant.

And I ain't requesting backup'cause I ain't no bitch. Over.

All right, you guys, that's my time.

My name's Freddy Lockhart.

Thank you very much.