You know thatone teacher that everybody has
that nobody respected? You know,
everybody just knew, first dayof class everybody just knew.
You just looked at each other,all the kids, and nonverbally
they were just like. With theirminds they'd be like, we're
going to fuck with him until hequits right?
going to fuck with him until hequits right?
Thank you everybody.
So if you donít know,here's what the show is. It's
just a bunch of funny peopletelling 100% true stories.
Tonight's topic is childhood.Ladies and gentlemen, Ari
Shaffir. So, I got thisFacebook message from this girl
[bleep] [bleep] once. And by theway, I'm going to say this name
[bleep] [bleep] a lot in thisand they're going to bleep it
every time on television. Butyou guys should just all know
that when you hear a bleepthat's because I'm saying the
name [bleep] [bleep].So I got this Facebook message.
You ever get a Facebook messagefrom somebody that's like from
high school or something, "Well,hey, we drifted apart." And
you're like, "I know, we did iton purpose. Why are you ruining
what we built up for so long?"So [bleep] [bleep] wrote me and
she goes, "Ari I noticed youhave a lot of Twitter followers
Facebook friends and I'm in someonline contest to win a trip to
the Superbowl and if you tellthem all to vote for me in this
online contest I could win thistrip to the Superbowl."
And my first thought was, "Gofuck yourself. I barely even
know you, no fucking way." Butsince I barely knew her, I felt
super obligated to do everythingshe asked of me. You know that
weird dynamic. Where like, likeif your best friend asked you
for a ride to the airport. Yourbest friend. You can be like,
"You can get a ride to lick myasshole. There's a shuttle
leaving every four minutes rightthere. Just cut it under there,
it needs licking." But, no, I'llnever take you to the airport.
You can go fuck yourself. Eat aplate of shit. I'd rather watch
you eat a plate of shit thanever take you to the airport. In
fact, now you know what now, ifI happen to see you at the
airport I'm going to punch youin the dick so you associate me
and the airport with badthoughts together. That's your
best friend. Like if somebodyyou met at work like a month
ago, if they asked you for aride to the airport then it's
super uncomfortable. How do yousay no to that? It's always
like, "Um, uh." You thoughtyou'd think of any excuse
possible. You're like, "Youknow, I work nights." "Oh, it's
a daytime thing? Uh, I guesswe're going to the airport!"
There's just no way around it.So I didn't know if I
should say yes or no to [bleep][bleep]. So, here's what I
thought. I thought that I'lllook back to when I liked her
the most and if I would do itfor that person, then I would
still help her. I'll telleverybody to fucking vote for
her in this online contest. Andso when I liked [bleep] the
most, when I liked her the mostwas the ninth grade. She was the
hottest girl in my ninth gradeclass. Like by far the hottest
one. She always wore a miniskirtwhich, to an all Jewish school
meant she wore it like right onthe line. That was as low as you
were allowed to go. Most girlswore it sock or below. Not this
slut, uh uh. Rockin' some kneeat thirteen. She was so fucking
hot, man. That was as high asyou were allowed, too.
We had this rule where if aRabbi, if a Rabbi saw a girl in
a miniskirt, he would just yellout the word "knees". He would
just go, "Knees!" And she wouldhave to get on her knees in
front of the Rabbi. [crowdlaughs] It's not sexual, you
guys. It's not a Catholicschool, it's a Jewish school.
Relax. What, "oh?" Who's stillCatholic, by the way? Enough.
What else are you waiting for?Like what other sign do you need
to not be Catholic anymore? I'mnot saying don't be Christian,
you can keep being Christian,but just join another Jesus
club. There's like thirtydifferent Jesus clubs, right?
They're all pretty much the sameshit. Love Jesus and hate the
Jews. Is that pretty much?Except one of the clubs loves to
rape children. Don't be a partof that club anymore. And if
you're like, "Oh, are you justhearing about this right now? Am
I just breaking the news toyou?" Yeah, its been going on
for a while. "For like months?"Even longer than that. Like
1,500 years, continuous childrape. It's totally trending. Be
Protestant, be Methodist,whatever. Be Mor-. Don't be
Mormon, obviously not. But like,be one of the other ones.
My friend, Steve, he'sa Catholic and I tell him this
all the time Iím like, "Dude,you gotta.." And he goes, "Ari,
I get what you're saying. Iunderstand what you're saying.
You have to understand,tradition is really important to
me and my grandfather was rapedhere and I want one day for
my.." Alright. Anyway,it was nothing sexual. Our rule
was if they were on the groundand the skirt didn't touch the
ground it was consideredimmodest. It was a half day
suspension. See the differencethere? See the two religions? On
one hand, you have a half daysuspension, nobody wants that.
Okay, so anyway. So[bleep] [bleep], she would sit
in the front of our class withher skirt on and she would let
it ride up to around there. AndI would just sit in the back
just staring at her with a bonerin my chin and these weird
feelings I didn't understand.Just like I liked her, man. She
was hot. I liked her.So we had this math class taught
by this guy named Mr. Sager andMr. Sager was that one teacher.
You know that one teacher thateverybody has that nobody
respected? You know, everybodyjust knew, first day of class
everybody just knew. You justlooked at each other, all the
kids, and nonverbally they werejust like. With their minds
they'd be like, we're going tofuck with him until he quits
right? I mean, it's obvious.Mr. Sager, the only
thing he ever did wrong, he hada deep voice and a little bit of
a lisp. That was it. He'd belike, "The x-axis meets the
y-axis." And we were like, "Ohyeah, you're fucked. How dare
you try to teach children?" Soone day, Mr. Sager, he was
turned around, he was writing onthe chalkboard, like this. And I
figured out, that if you take arubber band, if you tie it
around your fingers, if you thentake a half a paperclip, if you
hook it on the rubber band andpull back, you've got a weapon,
you've got a gun. It's as closeas the Jews got to gang
violence. Like this is it. And Iwas pointing it at Mr. Sager. I
was never going to do anything;I was just pointing it at him
trying to get [bleep [bleep]attention. You know, like, "Aha,
woohoo, look at me! Class clown.I'm not learning and just being
a badass." But then asI was doing it, my fingers, they
started getting real sweaty. Soit was like getting hard to hold
onto the paperclip and I waspoint it right at Mr. Sager.
Like, "Uh oh, this is bad." AndI didn't know what to do and if
I knew anything at all abouttensile strength I would have
realized like, oh, I could just,I could just do that and itís
not a problem at all anymore.Completely negated, just like
that, it's over. But that wasthe lesson I was missing on the
chalkboard right then so I waslike, "I don't know how to
handle this situation and mathis stupid, by the way." And so I
thought maybe, "Do you go awayfrom the target? Does that make
sense?" Yeah." As soon as I waslike, "Nope, thatís wrong." And
I couldn't hold on anymore andthe paperclip just shot out of
my fingers and went right at Mr.Sager, no arch at all, like a
straight line through the air.It made that noise. You
know, like, "[inaudible]." Likeit made that. And it hit him, it
hit him right in the back of thehead right where the ear meets
the head. It hit him right hereand it drew a little beat of
blood. Yeah, sick shot, right?We're talking back of the
classroom trying not to let go.Never miss a target.
So, Mr. Sager, he goes, "Ow, whodid that?" And he starts to turn
around and he looks at theclass. And you know the rule;
you know the code of conduct inhigh school. Nobody ever rats on
anybody, so nobody's going tosay a word; nobody's going to
talk about it. But then, Mr.Sager, he starts upping it, he
starts going, "If nobody tellsme who did that, nobody is
leaving this class. You'll allbe late for your next class."
And all these little Jew-lickkids, they start thinking, I can
see them murmuring to each otherlike, theyíre like, "Wait, if I
get a tardy on my record, am Inot getting into Harvard
Business School?" They startwondering, "I don't know Ari
that well. Do you know him? I'mnot even friends with him. I
never played football with him.Why would I even suffer for
him?" And then [bleep] [bleep],this kike heed. I think
my favorite line in all ofcomedy. She raised her hand up
and she goes, "Ari did it." AndI'm like, "Motherfucker." And I
got sent to the principal'soffice, I got suspended for five
days. [inaudible] No, I shouldhave been, dude. You can't shoot
a teacher in the face and getaway with that, gotta set a
precedent down. It was the worsttrouble I've ever gotten in
though. My parents thought I wasa bad kid after that. They made
me see a therapist for like twoyears. The whole time I was like
"My fingers got sweaty, that'sall that happened."
Anyway, twenty-two years later,I got a Facebook from [bleep]
[bleep] saying, "Can you help mewin a trip to the Superbowl?"
And I just wrote back, "Whydonít you ask Mr. Sager for
help?" It felt so good.