Ari Shaffir - Tattletale - Uncensored

Wonder Years 03/05/2015 Views: 2,975

When an old classmate asks Ari Shaffir for a favor, he thinks back to how she treated him in high school before answering. (10:02)

You know thatone teacher that everybody has

that nobody respected? You know,

everybody just knew, first dayof class everybody just knew.

You just looked at each other,all the kids, and nonverbally

they were just like. With theirminds they'd be like, we're

going to fuck with him until hequits right?

going to fuck with him until hequits right?

Thank you everybody.

So if you donít know,here's what the show is. It's

just a bunch of funny peopletelling 100% true stories.

Tonight's topic is childhood.Ladies and gentlemen, Ari

Shaffir. So, I got thisFacebook message from this girl

[bleep] [bleep] once. And by theway, I'm going to say this name

[bleep] [bleep] a lot in thisand they're going to bleep it

every time on television. Butyou guys should just all know

that when you hear a bleepthat's because I'm saying the

name [bleep] [bleep].So I got this Facebook message.

You ever get a Facebook messagefrom somebody that's like from

high school or something, "Well,hey, we drifted apart." And

you're like, "I know, we did iton purpose. Why are you ruining

what we built up for so long?"So [bleep] [bleep] wrote me and

she goes, "Ari I noticed youhave a lot of Twitter followers

Facebook friends and I'm in someonline contest to win a trip to

the Superbowl and if you tellthem all to vote for me in this

online contest I could win thistrip to the Superbowl."

And my first thought was, "Gofuck yourself. I barely even

know you, no fucking way." Butsince I barely knew her, I felt

super obligated to do everythingshe asked of me. You know that

weird dynamic. Where like, likeif your best friend asked you

for a ride to the airport. Yourbest friend. You can be like,

"You can get a ride to lick myasshole. There's a shuttle

leaving every four minutes rightthere. Just cut it under there,

it needs licking." But, no, I'llnever take you to the airport.

You can go fuck yourself. Eat aplate of shit. I'd rather watch

you eat a plate of shit thanever take you to the airport. In

fact, now you know what now, ifI happen to see you at the

airport I'm going to punch youin the dick so you associate me

and the airport with badthoughts together. That's your

best friend. Like if somebodyyou met at work like a month

ago, if they asked you for aride to the airport then it's

super uncomfortable. How do yousay no to that? It's always

like, "Um, uh." You thoughtyou'd think of any excuse

possible. You're like, "Youknow, I work nights." "Oh, it's

a daytime thing? Uh, I guesswe're going to the airport!"

There's just no way around it.So I didn't know if I

should say yes or no to [bleep][bleep]. So, here's what I

thought. I thought that I'lllook back to when I liked her

the most and if I would do itfor that person, then I would

still help her. I'll telleverybody to fucking vote for

her in this online contest. Andso when I liked [bleep] the

most, when I liked her the mostwas the ninth grade. She was the

hottest girl in my ninth gradeclass. Like by far the hottest

one. She always wore a miniskirtwhich, to an all Jewish school

meant she wore it like right onthe line. That was as low as you

were allowed to go. Most girlswore it sock or below. Not this

slut, uh uh. Rockin' some kneeat thirteen. She was so fucking

hot, man. That was as high asyou were allowed, too.

We had this rule where if aRabbi, if a Rabbi saw a girl in

a miniskirt, he would just yellout the word "knees". He would

just go, "Knees!" And she wouldhave to get on her knees in

front of the Rabbi. [crowdlaughs] It's not sexual, you

guys. It's not a Catholicschool, it's a Jewish school.

Relax. What, "oh?" Who's stillCatholic, by the way? Enough.

What else are you waiting for?Like what other sign do you need

to not be Catholic anymore? I'mnot saying don't be Christian,

you can keep being Christian,but just join another Jesus

club. There's like thirtydifferent Jesus clubs, right?

They're all pretty much the sameshit. Love Jesus and hate the

Jews. Is that pretty much?Except one of the clubs loves to

rape children. Don't be a partof that club anymore. And if

you're like, "Oh, are you justhearing about this right now? Am

I just breaking the news toyou?" Yeah, its been going on

for a while. "For like months?"Even longer than that. Like

1,500 years, continuous childrape. It's totally trending. Be

Protestant, be Methodist,whatever. Be Mor-. Don't be

Mormon, obviously not. But like,be one of the other ones.

My friend, Steve, he'sa Catholic and I tell him this

all the time Iím like, "Dude,you gotta.." And he goes, "Ari,

I get what you're saying. Iunderstand what you're saying.

You have to understand,tradition is really important to

me and my grandfather was rapedhere and I want one day for

my.." Alright. Anyway,it was nothing sexual. Our rule

was if they were on the groundand the skirt didn't touch the

ground it was consideredimmodest. It was a half day

suspension. See the differencethere? See the two religions? On

one hand, you have a half daysuspension, nobody wants that.

Okay, so anyway. So[bleep] [bleep], she would sit

in the front of our class withher skirt on and she would let

it ride up to around there. AndI would just sit in the back

just staring at her with a bonerin my chin and these weird

feelings I didn't understand.Just like I liked her, man. She

was hot. I liked her.So we had this math class taught

by this guy named Mr. Sager andMr. Sager was that one teacher.

You know that one teacher thateverybody has that nobody

respected? You know, everybodyjust knew, first day of class

everybody just knew. You justlooked at each other, all the

kids, and nonverbally they werejust like. With their minds

they'd be like, we're going tofuck with him until he quits

right? I mean, it's obvious.Mr. Sager, the only

thing he ever did wrong, he hada deep voice and a little bit of

a lisp. That was it. He'd belike, "The x-axis meets the

y-axis." And we were like, "Ohyeah, you're fucked. How dare

you try to teach children?" Soone day, Mr. Sager, he was

turned around, he was writing onthe chalkboard, like this. And I

figured out, that if you take arubber band, if you tie it

around your fingers, if you thentake a half a paperclip, if you

hook it on the rubber band andpull back, you've got a weapon,

you've got a gun. It's as closeas the Jews got to gang

violence. Like this is it. And Iwas pointing it at Mr. Sager. I

was never going to do anything;I was just pointing it at him

trying to get [bleep [bleep]attention. You know, like, "Aha,

woohoo, look at me! Class clown.I'm not learning and just being

a badass." But then asI was doing it, my fingers, they

started getting real sweaty. Soit was like getting hard to hold

onto the paperclip and I waspoint it right at Mr. Sager.

Like, "Uh oh, this is bad." AndI didn't know what to do and if

I knew anything at all abouttensile strength I would have

realized like, oh, I could just,I could just do that and itís

not a problem at all anymore.Completely negated, just like

that, it's over. But that wasthe lesson I was missing on the

chalkboard right then so I waslike, "I don't know how to

handle this situation and mathis stupid, by the way." And so I

thought maybe, "Do you go awayfrom the target? Does that make

sense?" Yeah." As soon as I waslike, "Nope, thatís wrong." And

I couldn't hold on anymore andthe paperclip just shot out of

my fingers and went right at Mr.Sager, no arch at all, like a

straight line through the air.It made that noise. You

know, like, "[inaudible]." Likeit made that. And it hit him, it

hit him right in the back of thehead right where the ear meets

the head. It hit him right hereand it drew a little beat of

blood. Yeah, sick shot, right?We're talking back of the

classroom trying not to let go.Never miss a target.

So, Mr. Sager, he goes, "Ow, whodid that?" And he starts to turn

around and he looks at theclass. And you know the rule;

you know the code of conduct inhigh school. Nobody ever rats on

anybody, so nobody's going tosay a word; nobody's going to

talk about it. But then, Mr.Sager, he starts upping it, he

starts going, "If nobody tellsme who did that, nobody is

leaving this class. You'll allbe late for your next class."

And all these little Jew-lickkids, they start thinking, I can

see them murmuring to each otherlike, theyíre like, "Wait, if I

get a tardy on my record, am Inot getting into Harvard

Business School?" They startwondering, "I don't know Ari

that well. Do you know him? I'mnot even friends with him. I

never played football with him.Why would I even suffer for

him?" And then [bleep] [bleep],this kike heed. I think

my favorite line in all ofcomedy. She raised her hand up

and she goes, "Ari did it." AndI'm like, "Motherfucker." And I

got sent to the principal'soffice, I got suspended for five

days. [inaudible] No, I shouldhave been, dude. You can't shoot

a teacher in the face and getaway with that, gotta set a

precedent down. It was the worsttrouble I've ever gotten in

though. My parents thought I wasa bad kid after that. They made

me see a therapist for like twoyears. The whole time I was like

"My fingers got sweaty, that'sall that happened."

Anyway, twenty-two years later,I got a Facebook from [bleep]

[bleep] saying, "Can you help mewin a trip to the Superbowl?"

And I just wrote back, "Whydonít you ask Mr. Sager for

help?" It felt so good.