I was at a bar one time.I sent a drink over to a girl.
She sent it right back.
I didn't know that was allowed.
I went over to tell herit wasn't allowed,
and how that came out was,
"What the (bleep) isyour problem?"
And she was like, "No offenseto you-- I don't drink
because my dad's an alcoholic."
Which was sad and awkward.
What made it more awkward wasanother guy walked over
and was like, "I overheard whatshe said and I completely agree.
'Cause I don't do heroin becausemy dad was a heroin addict."
And there was two thingswrong with that.
Because one, I didn't sendheroin over to that guy.
I mean, mind your own businesswhen I'm talking to a lady.
And then two,you don't need a backstory
for reasonswhy you don't do heroin.
I live with my girlfriend.
I'm not mature enoughto live with a girl.
Every nightwhen she goes to sleep,
I draw a dick on her face.
I'm like,"I've only lived with guys.
How does this work?"
I usually date the same typeof girls over and over.
I usually datelittle mousy girls with bangs
who wear cardiganseven in the summer.
They say things like, "I wishour bodies were made of blankets
so we could just layon one another."
I'm like, "Me, too--that sounds dumb.
Let's do it."
Then one time I datedthis girl who was, like,
a real sexual dynamo,
and we triedall these different things.
And I found outa lot about myself.
Like I found outthat I am way too silly
for most sex things.
Because this one timethis girl was like,
"I want you to throw mearound the bedroom."
And I was like, "How aboutyou just run and I trip you?"
It sounds so much safer...
She was really goodat dirty talk.
I'm not good at dirty talk.
I'm too bashful for dirty talk.
I'm just a little boy,I don't need to hear that filth.
This one time, she was like,
"You feel so good inside of me."
And I was like, "Weird...(laughs)
"You're making me feel weird.
"I'm gonna go puton another shirt.
"And when I get back, we'regonna have a 20-minute talk
about boundaries,so stay tight."