I had a stepdadgrowing up.
Any stepdads inthe audience tonight?
No, must be a Little League gamegoing on. Uh...
I feel bad for stepdadsbecause there's-there's no day
to honor them--we have Father's Day,
and we should haveStepfather's Day.
And we could have funStepfather's Day games
like Pin the Blame on Yourself.
And-and we could haveStepfather's Day greeting cards,
like, "Now that the dadI love is gone,
thanks for being thereto (bleep) my mom."
But you put it in Comic Sans.It's adorable. You got to...
soften the blow.
I, uh... I worked at, uh,McDonald's for seven years.
That's a thing I did.
You didn't clap at that,so you must like me.
No, don't-don't start.
Unless your name is Wendyand you own Wendy's.
Then you can. Uh...
But I did... I'm... I'm probably
the most successfulMcDonald's employee ever
just by being aliveright now. Uh...
'Cause, man, I... Someof my coworkers were insane.
Like, one of my coworkerswas an amputee named Stumpy.
His favorite Creed songwas "Arm Wide Open."
The joke there is that someone
would have a favoriteCreed song.
But I remember one timeStumpy was like,
"You know how much (bleep) I get
now that I only have one arm?"
And I was like, "How much?"And he goes,
But that's still pretty good."
Which is how I learnedabout optimism.