Greg Proops - White People

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 06/18/1999
  • Views: 4,278

America smells like urine, whereas Canada smells pine fresh. (4:59)

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO COME UP

WITH A LOT OF GOODNESS,YOU KNOW?

EVERY TIMEAN ELECTION COMES AROUND

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT SAME MESSAGEOF LOVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

( rural accent ):"YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONGWITH THIS COUNTRY?

( sniffs )

PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES."

( snarling )

( imitating Alien creature )

OF COURSE,PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES.

NOW, WE'RE AMERICANS.

TECHNICALLY,WHO IS FROM THIS COUNTRY?

ONLY THE INDIANS

WHO WE GRACIOUSLY LET DWELLON THEIR NATIVE CASINOS.

WE ALL CAME OVER IN A BOATONE WAY OR ANOTHER, RIGHT?

AND WHY IS IT ALWAYS

THE UGLIEST WHITE PEOPLEWITH THIS MESSAGE?

"THE WHITE RACE ISTHE SUPERIOR RACE.

"WE MUST NEVER ALLOWTHE INFERIOR BLOOD

OF THE MUD PEOPLETO TEAR OUR SUPERIORITY."

YOU'RE, LIKE, "OH, ( bleep )...

"HOLY COW.

YOU SHOULD... DATE AROUNDIS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO."

( laughter and applause )

Man:WHOO!

"YOU'VE GOT GILLSAND A POINTED HEAD AND...

"DATE OUTSIDEYOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY IS

"MY ADVICE TO YOU.

"SEEK OUT THE SWARTHY-SKINNED,ALMOND-EYED PEOPLE.

"I THINK YOU'LL FIND THEM

A REFRESHING DIPIN THE GENE POOL."

I MEAN, IF YOU WANTTO LIVE IN WHITE WORLD...

IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE

THE STULTIFYING BOREDOMAND PENETRATING ENNUI

THAT HOMOGENEITY CAN BRING

YOU CAN GO TO CANADAANY DAY OF THE YEAR.

IT'S AN ENTIRE COUNTRYNAMED "DOUG."

YEAH, BUT IT'S LOVELY THERE.

IT'S REALLY LOVELY, YOU KNOW.

OUR COUNTRY SMELLS LIKE URINE,YOU KNOW.

CANADA'S PINE FRESH.

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLEDO NOT COME UP

WITH THE GOOD MUSIC,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

LET'S BE VERY, VERY HONEST.

OH, THEY CAN PLAY MUSIC...

BUT THEY DON'T INVENTTHE GOOD MUSIC...

AND THE CROWD GOES QUIET.

( laughing )

"BUT, GREG...

"WHITE PEOPLE INVENTED POLKA...

"AND GREGORIAN CHANTS...

AND COUNTRY."

I REST MY CASE.

( laughing )

( audience laughing )

WHITE PEOPLEDID NOT INVENT BLUES

OR SAMBA OR SALSA OR JAZZOR ROCK AND ROLL OR HIP-HOP

OR REGGAE, OR ANYTHING...THAT'S FUN, BECAUSE...

"BUT WHY, GREG, WHY?

"WHY DIDN'T WHITE PEOPLE INVENTTHOSE THINGS?

"THEY PRODUCE THEM AND TAKEALL THE MONEY FOR THEM."

( cheering and applause )

BECAUSE IT REQUIRES HIP MOVEMENT

OF THE PELVIC REGION...DURING THE DANCING PROCESS...

AND A CERTAIN LOOSENESSOF CHARACTER

WHICH WHITE PEOPLEDO NOT POSSESS

NOR ARE THEY ANY GOOD ATAT ANY POINT.

YOU'VE SEEN PEOPLE FROMOTHER COUNTRIES DANCE, RIGHT?

BRAZILIANS, DURING CARNIVAL--IT'S FABULOUS, RIGHT?

FEATHERS IN THEIR HAIR

BREASTS HANGING OUTMIDDLE OF THE DAY

BEADS COMING OFF THEIR BUTT.

"OBA, OBA, WHOO!"

( bleep ) PUMPING,( bleep ) POUNDING...

REAFFIRMATIONOF OUR HUMANITY, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T SEEA LOT OF REDNECKS MARCHING

THROUGH PHOENIXON MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

WITH FEATHERS IN THEIR HAIRAND BEADS ON THEIR BUTT, DO YOU?

( rural accent ):"GOSH, I FEEL FREE."

WHITE PEOPLE INVENTED, LIKE,SWISS CLOCK DANCING.

( humming and clicking tongue )

"WHOO! HEIDI, LITTLE GOAT GIRL,YOU ARE KICKING THE JAM!

"WHOO, YOU GOT

"MY LEDERHOSEN IN A SITUATION.

"MMM, AND THIS FOOD,IT'S SO DELICIOUS.

"WHAT IS THIS,PURE CHEESE IN THIS FONDUE?

GOD BLESSOUR WHITE CULINARY HERITAGE."

YOU LEAVE WHITE PEOPLE ALONE

IN CONSTANT ISOLATIONFOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS

YOU KNOW WHATTHEIR MUSICAL CONTRIBUTION

IS GOING TO BE?

RIVERDANCE!

"I CAN'T MOVE MY HIPS.

"I CAN'T MOVE MY HEAD...

"BUT BELOW THE ANKLES

"I AM A ROCKIN' BAGOF GAELIC SEX.

OH, YES, I AM."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

PEACE.

( cheering and whistling )

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