RETURN JULY 2014
my whole life.
I am-- nobody ever believesI'm Christian
'cause I look like this.
I'm not a good Christian,though.
I'm not going to Heaven.
Based off today's performance,not going.
This morningI tried to read the Bible,
fell asleep three verses in.
I was out.
That book is boring.
You know how you knowthe Bible's boring?
It's the only book ever writtenthat they've made movies out of,
like Passion of the Christand The Ten Commandments,
and not once has anybodyever said, "Dude,
the book was way betterthan the movie."
My friend's a Jehovah's Witness.
He got all pissed at me'cause he tried to tell me
a knock-knock jokeand I ignored him.
(cheering and applause)Um...
I should've openedwith that joke.
Feeling old, people.
I finally realized why--I-I think I'm young.
I realizedthat I'm not young today.
Okay, I have a cousinin the seventh grade
who gave me his school picture.
He looked amazing.
You know how they takeschool pictures
in the seventh grade now?
They bring in a digital camera,
they take ten shotsof every single kid,
the kid gets to run aroundto the back of the camera
right there, pick which onehe wants, and then out the door.
Anybody remember how stressfulour picture day was?
It wasn't ten shots,it was what?
Thank you guys very much, y'all.
Thank you very much,I appreciate it, guys.